Friday, May 21, 2010

Is it me, or is it me?

How do I reconcile within myself the red zone belief that others, who shall remain nameless, for reasons which I cannot fathom, have ill will towards me? On this super challenging journey towards the self, it may be one the higher rungs on the love walk. Either by hook or by crook, the certainty with which my perception, to a certainty, knows this to be true, is intensely threatened. First off, as I now know having had a certain amount of sober time, it may have absolutely nothing to do with me at all. Secondly, if the offending agent does have disdain for me, it still has nothing to do with me. And yet, the internal conflict, made all the more strident by Satan's strongholds, is far more intense than the actual experience I perceive in the "real" world.

It is one thing to have conflict, a normal event in the course of human intercourse. It is quite another to watch that perceived conflict blown up into a nuclear bomb inside my soul, the eating me alive that we are cautioned to be mindful of. The inciting incident may be small or potentially dramatic, the offense actual. Nothing is more serious, however, than my process around it. Hence the sincerity of the adage to "pause, when agitated or doubtful, asking God for the right thought or action, humbly saying many times today, thy will be done". It is a long way from "Don't you know who I think I am", to that last adage.

Again and again, I must have the God given courage to remind myself that it is me. I am the responsbile party. By doing this one action, I may change the course of the entire auric field in a situation, job or relationship.

But, oh it is difficult.

I want to blame, to victimize, to have vengeance, which "is mine" sayeth the lord. The blindness of the heart of others is not ultimately their heart, although strongholds are built with or without our consent, it is finally up to us as to who we will serve. I speak, again, more of myself than those I am seemingly injured by. Do I chose to jump into the mud with someone, or do I keep my heart and mind on the divine and, if neccesary, act from a place of authority and faith, as opposed to fear. Due to my disease, my virus, it is almost incumbent upon me at all times to be exceedingly careful about my reactivity, which is among the hardest things to do. Ready, Fire, Aim needs to be replaced by their proper order.

God, protect me from the darkness today, help me to do your will, show me when and how to act if necessary, and replace the devil's strongholds in my mind with your ever present and ubiquitous love. My heart will always be yours, but my mind is at war. Help me to be of service today, and especially help me to pray for those who Satan has usurped, whose minds and heart are blinded by the dark one. Let me be a conduit for peace and love and light.


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