I cna't bearthe!!!!!

Money deposited. Acknowledged! Mind moving too fast. Too many images of pain and death and shame. It is my fault! It is my fault!f I am the architect of my own life. What have I done? What is wrong with ME? The landlord. He hates me. Has always hated me for my being such a shameful failure. I can't be late. It's a reflection of all the bad things I've done. How has this happened. Too little love from 6 months to four years. Holy Christ. I am so afraid. In the words of Tarkovsky "God, please take this animal fear from me". Paralysis. What can I spend my two cents on and what can't I. Something must suffer. I haven't made the change. Such a shame. Such a terrible, terrible shame. Where is the hope and the salvation and the grace? Right now. Right now. Right now. God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference. please, help me.