Monday, November 21, 2005

How do any of us go on?

Notice that I asked "how" do any of us go on? Not "why". There is quite a distinction. To ask "why" to such a huge question defeats the purpose of the question. "Why" is a pandora's box. It is Ouroboros, the snake that eats it's own tail. But "how" is a practical question. It can be answered with applicable data. Whether one decides to hear and implement such utilitarian information is really the purview of each individual. But I have always felt that knowledge is never the domain of thinking. Frankly, are we really searching for knowledge anyway? Aren't we really seeking peace, contentment. We each have a different relationship to the world and our own view of it. Some of us really, truly do not suffer the slings and arrow of outrageous fortune on a daily basis as some of us, no matter how much dosage of Wellbutrin and Seroquel we take. Some of us can't really help the way we are. We seem to be committed to this identity, this deep sense of loss and emptiness that nothing can fill. These essences of myself are most prominent in my dreams, for certain. Images of loss are everywhere in the dream world. Non ending elements of loss. It is unbearable and sadness can't even begin to touch the surface of the grief. I know that I can only play it out, here in this place where I have arrived. This place I have been sent to but I'm told can change with me. I know of nothing else that can take away this endless river of sadness than some concept of a loving entity within and without me. An entity that can save me from myself, that can bring me a sense that the absurdity that is life has some noble cause. But what if it doesnt? What if there is really no purpose at all? What if it is random? And the randomness is the ultimate message. What if the great mind is so inconceivable to us that merely the attempt to know it brings us to humility and all we are left with is blind faith?
I just don't want to lose everything in my life. But I will. That's certain.
It is said that when I lose all I gain eternity. Oblivion seems preferable at the moment. This is my prayer. I am in need of leading.
Bless this place and god save us all.


Post a Comment

<< Home