Monday, April 16, 2007

Free to be, me and me.

I just watched Woody Allen's "Annie Hall" last night. It was probably the umpteenth time I've watched it. I saw it initially when it first came out, in 1975. I was in the ninth grade but absolutely relished it. I wanted to be Woody Allen in the worst possible way. I also watched "Network" this weekend. I hadn't seen that movie in years. It still holds up and is more prescient than ever.

What I wasn't prepared for was a brand new take on those movies. Granted, they are two of my favorite films. But this time I was transported to the realm of the personal. I had an astonishing and somewhat shattering realization. I have always wanted to be someone else. Whether it was James Bond, Al Dimeola, John Mclaughlin, Jorge Strunz, Woody Allen, William Shatner, Captain Kirk (they are actually different in my mind), Jaco Pastorious, Kirk Gibson-anyone but Anthony Forkush. This struck me like a club over the head. It was the strangest feeling. You see, there is no one I would rather be at this moment than myself. That is a double-edged sword as you might imagine. I have always wanted to be me, but have been terrified of being rejected for it. Well, here I am: ME, and I feel totally rejected! All my fears have been realized. I am me and we are me and he is me and on and on...

But the deepest part of the whole thing is that its okay to be rejected. It doesn't matter anymore if no one likes me the way I want everyone to. My cats love me. My God loves me. I love me. What more is there. Those who really love me, love me. And that's....okay. Truly, though, it is a sincerely radical place to be. I can't imagine wanting to be anyone other than myself. Yeah, I want what other people have, but I wouldn't want to be them. Maybe that is the miracle of sobriety. To be comfortable in my own skin means being okay being me. No matter what, its great to be me, even if I'm currently not getting any. You know what I mean?


Blogger Michael Pascoe said...

Dear Tony,

It’s funny, but every time I sulk in my self pity about not achieving what I wanted, my brain flashes to a thought of What if I was someone else. I too thought that I would not want to be anyone else but me. I like who I am. If I was someone else, I might be more successful, but I might be someone that is mean, cruel, nasty, and down right evil.

I like that I am with God. I like that I see the world the way I do. The compassion, the sympathy of others. I am not perfect, but at least I know where my soul is going when I have shuffled off this f**king mortal coil. And I hope there is no such thing as reincarnation because I don’t want to comeback as someone else. I like me and I want to go into eternity as me.

Until next time. Your good friend always,


P.S. Go Dodgers.

9:02 AM  

Post a Comment

<< Home