Monday, April 02, 2007

What in God's name is happening to my body?

I have absolutely no idea what is happening to me. I keep having some of the weirdest, scariest physical symptoms I have ever had in my life. I'm not sure if they are related to anxiety, medication or some other non-diagnosed condition. I don't even know how to explain what they are. I'll try here.

For no explicable reason, I begin to experience a sensation inside my head. The sensation is not painful, just a feeling of pressure. I have had this pressure once before, about two years ago. It preceded a massive anxiety attack. This time,however, there is another component that is new. When the pressure begins to build, I feel a sensation inside my jaw and then, I'm not sure how to describe this, It feels like my nervous system has a glitch in it. I notice it at the level of my breathing. My breathing feels like it is taking on a life of its own. The difficulty seems to be in the area of nuero-motor. The breath feels like the autonomic nervous and respiratory systems are malfunctioning.

The question becomes do I go back to Kaiser and endure whatever endless series of tests they want to perform in order to tell me there is nothing wrong with me. So far that has been the case. It is starting to become more likely that I need to do so. Honestly, I suspect it is either anxiety and its concomitant and weird manifestations (some eerily similar to what my mother developed up to the end of her life), or that there is some interaction of chemicals going on that is affecting my functioning. My medications, for those who might be interested, are: Omeprizole (Prilosec) daily, Wellbutrin 150 mgs. daily, one aspirin, Nasarel spray (two sprays twice a day), two omega fish pills, one centrum. In the evening 2 more omega fish pills, 10 mgs Hytrin, daily. Since six weeks ago I have had to add two to three 1 mg tablets of Lorazapam (Atavan) as needed when my panic anxiety kicks in. This has been extremely regular since my cat died.

But I can never tell when these bizarre symptoms will manifest. They do seem to be brought on much more regularly by (surprise surprise) stress of any kind. The number one stressor is without a doubt my job. The close number two is my thinking. Together, they keep the wolves awake. I need to attack stress like a cancer at this point. Join a stress management class, take a swim, meditate and pray every day, turn it over, take the meds, have faith, ask for help, deal with the undealt with from my childhood, rest, eat well, watch less know the drill. All of these can help.

But I still need to take those dumb tests I think. I need to be gentle with myself and kind to myself during this time. This could also be big time grief.

I can do this. I can get through it. As my friend Mike Pascoe said in his recent e-mail "if God brings you to it he will bring you through it". Hallelujah.


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