I'm back and as hateful as ever.
How long has it been? Anybody counting? I can't even remember the last time I used this forum to diatribe my vengence and incomprehensible rage at existence and humanity. Well, I think it is way past good and fucking ready! You know what I mean? I have a lot of garbage to dump here, way the fuck past due if you ask me.
So where do I start? How about with dissing that sacred cow known as gratitude. I say yeah, lets start with that one. I'm not grateful at the moment. No, strike that, I am profoundly, sumblimely ungrateful for my life. And most of all, I am colosally ungrateful for my sobriety. that is numero uno on my ungrateful list. There I said it, can I get into heaven now size queen god?
After that I'm pretty much ungrateful for just about everything. I'm ungrateful for the new and improved moron who lives below me. One of the nicest assholes I've met in quite some time. He loves to play his music ALL THE FUCKING TIME! I mean, wow, he's playing it even now. It sounds so soothing at a quarter past midnight. What a wonderful piece of human shit. I've talked to him three times already. And he is so nice when he says he's sorry and then does it again, and again, and yet one-more-gain. Tomorrow I have to complain to my funny little landlord about him. You know, the funny little landlord who I won't be able to pay rent to this upcoming month because my union refused to bargain for us to be paid for our "off-track" time, unlike the teachers who are salaried and get their "off-track" time paid for. Oops, stepped in poo poo.
Or how about my crumbling mouth, the mouth where tooth after living tooth disintegrates due to lack of co-payment funds to restore my all-American mouth, the mouth that pays taxes and takes home less than half of what I gross on my once a stinkin month payday. Eating a banana never felt so good, said the porcelain to the crown. They do pay for X-rays at least. Good deal, pay now, cancer later.
Or how bout them youngins. You know, the ones that live in Indianapolis. The folks with their high and mighty ideals of art. Ideas missing just one small ingredient: human empathy.
Am I close to being done? Are you done yet?
Nope, see, when the Hindus stop their bovine chatter, we get to the real heart of the matter: human evil. That's what we're really dealing with here aren't we ladies and gentlemen? That's what the East doesn't want you to know about, God forbid the New Age. They claim "sorry, no evil here". As they themselves roll about in their lies.
Only Christianity, Judaism and Islam deal with the problem of the human Ego/Evil. Of course certain Tribal cultures have it but its rather amorphous, totemistic and not particularly relevant to our paradigm. A cunning, nasty and baffling motherfucker...well, that's someone I can get behind. I can really sink my teeth into the demonic. It makes a whole hell of a lot of sense. See William Peter Blatty's "The Ninth Configuration" for a little disertation on the subject.
And so, we either are forced into faith, or we relapse (literally) into fear. But don't get me wrong here, being forced into faith is not ethereal. It is just the god-damn opposite. Faith is God shoving your nose in the shit of human excrement. It is being dragged through the slime and the mud to enter into the realm of the dark night of the soul. This is nothing short of the dark night. Drinking kills faith. Drugging kills faith. Madness kills faith, although it may be a pretty large element of it.
Faith is not for sissys. That should be my motto. To enter into a relationship with God consciouslyis the hardest thing that I can do. Everything at this moment is crying out for me to abandon ship. I cannot. I am doomed far worse if I turn away.
And so, I live with my choices, my terrors (not fears, that word is for pussys). I am ravaged and savaged by my mind, a mind wide open and rigorously antiseptically unanesthetized. I understand the insanity of the dry man. What most of those who have time call "dry", I simply call alert. One would not suffer so profoundly if one were recovered.
And there's the motherfucking asshole playing his stereo and TV too loud again. May he rot in his own shit and enter the kingdom of heaven.