Friday, February 22, 2008

I'm back and as hateful as ever.

How long has it been? Anybody counting? I can't even remember the last time I used this forum to diatribe my vengence and incomprehensible rage at existence and humanity. Well, I think it is way past good and fucking ready! You know what I mean? I have a lot of garbage to dump here, way the fuck past due if you ask me.

So where do I start? How about with dissing that sacred cow known as gratitude. I say yeah, lets start with that one. I'm not grateful at the moment. No, strike that, I am profoundly, sumblimely ungrateful for my life. And most of all, I am colosally ungrateful for my sobriety. that is numero uno on my ungrateful list. There I said it, can I get into heaven now size queen god?

After that I'm pretty much ungrateful for just about everything. I'm ungrateful for the new and improved moron who lives below me. One of the nicest assholes I've met in quite some time. He loves to play his music ALL THE FUCKING TIME! I mean, wow, he's playing it even now. It sounds so soothing at a quarter past midnight. What a wonderful piece of human shit. I've talked to him three times already. And he is so nice when he says he's sorry and then does it again, and again, and yet one-more-gain. Tomorrow I have to complain to my funny little landlord about him. You know, the funny little landlord who I won't be able to pay rent to this upcoming month because my union refused to bargain for us to be paid for our "off-track" time, unlike the teachers who are salaried and get their "off-track" time paid for. Oops, stepped in poo poo.

Or how about my crumbling mouth, the mouth where tooth after living tooth disintegrates due to lack of co-payment funds to restore my all-American mouth, the mouth that pays taxes and takes home less than half of what I gross on my once a stinkin month payday. Eating a banana never felt so good, said the porcelain to the crown. They do pay for X-rays at least. Good deal, pay now, cancer later.

Or how bout them youngins. You know, the ones that live in Indianapolis. The folks with their high and mighty ideals of art. Ideas missing just one small ingredient: human empathy.

Am I close to being done? Are you done yet?

Nope, see, when the Hindus stop their bovine chatter, we get to the real heart of the matter: human evil. That's what we're really dealing with here aren't we ladies and gentlemen? That's what the East doesn't want you to know about, God forbid the New Age. They claim "sorry, no evil here". As they themselves roll about in their lies.

Only Christianity, Judaism and Islam deal with the problem of the human Ego/Evil. Of course certain Tribal cultures have it but its rather amorphous, totemistic and not particularly relevant to our paradigm. A cunning, nasty and baffling motherfucker...well, that's someone I can get behind. I can really sink my teeth into the demonic. It makes a whole hell of a lot of sense. See William Peter Blatty's "The Ninth Configuration" for a little disertation on the subject.

And so, we either are forced into faith, or we relapse (literally) into fear. But don't get me wrong here, being forced into faith is not ethereal. It is just the god-damn opposite. Faith is God shoving your nose in the shit of human excrement. It is being dragged through the slime and the mud to enter into the realm of the dark night of the soul. This is nothing short of the dark night. Drinking kills faith. Drugging kills faith. Madness kills faith, although it may be a pretty large element of it.

Faith is not for sissys. That should be my motto. To enter into a relationship with God consciouslyis the hardest thing that I can do. Everything at this moment is crying out for me to abandon ship. I cannot. I am doomed far worse if I turn away.

And so, I live with my choices, my terrors (not fears, that word is for pussys). I am ravaged and savaged by my mind, a mind wide open and rigorously antiseptically unanesthetized. I understand the insanity of the dry man. What most of those who have time call "dry", I simply call alert. One would not suffer so profoundly if one were recovered.

And there's the motherfucking asshole playing his stereo and TV too loud again. May he rot in his own shit and enter the kingdom of heaven.


Blogger Michael Pascoe said...

Dear Tony,

I feel your pain man. It’s been a long time, I even stopped checking out your blog. I’m glad you decided to post again. Get it all out. First off, God is not a wish granter. I have found this out. I pray for myself, and nothing happens. I pray for others, shit happens. I ask people to pray for me, but they won’t. They say they will, but they don’t.

So, I have come to the conclusion that God is not a wish granter. He is the creator than has given us life. Nothing more. He doesn’t move mountains, he just creates them. His son is the key to eternal life. I just hope this life is better than the one we will leave some day. Because the evil has f**ked up this planet.
Don’t be ungrateful for sobriety. That’s a major accomplishment that you should be proud of. You have to take solace in some of your victories. Because God knows there is not much to celebrate for these days.

As far as the guy that won’t stop his music. What can you do about assholes? I don’t understand people that think only of themselves and ignore the rest of us. I can’t understand it because every time I do something, I worry about if I’m in someone’s way. This gets to the point that it ruins my day.

If I’m at the store and I’m looking at something, I attempt to move if I see someone trying to get through. Then I spend all of my time adjusting myself and not shopping. Then I get mad at people for being in my way.
But, why I try walking down an aisle, do I get the same consideration? No. Because people don’t care.

Sean’s dog is even like this. He wants to be petted, but can careless if you want to pet him. You can pet him for two minutes, but once you stop, he gets pissed off. Sorry, but my life is more important pal!

What’s maddening about all of this is it’s beyond our control. Yet it affects our life. That’s what’s so frustrating. Maybe the solution is our own inner peace. This is the only thing we can control.

This may not help, but at least I understand.

Remember, you have people that love you. You need to go back to this forum so those that care, can communicate with you.

11:23 AM  
Blogger Michael Pascoe said...

Here is something that reminds us of why peopel are the way they are. You might remember this. It was in your bathroom back in Simi Valley.

11:49 AM  
Blogger Tony Forkush said...

Hey Michael.
First off, thanks so much for your words of wisdom. I agree with what you say wholeheartedly. Especailly with the solution being Christ and inner peace, which are one and the same. It is THE only lasting solution in an insane world. Make no mistake. I am re-reading Andrew Harvey's astonishing book "Son of Man". He takes the church out of Christ and really offers us a vision of what this human being gave us. he is without peer in the history of the human race.
I can't seem to open the picture from this library computer. I will try it again from home. I can't wait to see what it is!
I am a bit better today. I just finished writing a nice letter to my new neighbor. That also makes me angry. Why do I have to be the nice one? Why am I held to a higher standard? I think the answer is obvious. Because if I stoop to where the evil one is, I dwell in poverty with him. But Michael, sometimes it is so incredibly hard and I feel so much intense despair. But almost always when I turn away from God and lose my inner peace. Almost always!
But when I remember that today all that matters is my peace, that I start finding a level of acceptance that I lose when I get triggered by my egoic mind. The mind that takes the neighbors stereo and turns it into the thought that there is no God or hope in this world. That is more destructive, believe me, then the stinking bass boom from his music.
But to know this and also LIVE this, is the definition of sanity and serenity and love. I try to think of others Michael, I really do. I think God just wants me to rely fully on him. He can heal me of the madness and bring me back to the ocean of peace that is my birthright.
Then it becomes practical. I write the decent letter and pray. I go to Home Depot and get earplugs, AND PRAY...I get noise cancelling headhpones from Jeff...AND PRAY.

Michael, of course my sobriety is the greatest accomplishment of my life. I was just totally flipped out last night. But I went to the dentist today and found out that my whole mouth will cost around $500.00. Not the $25,000.00 that I thought I would have to pay. See what our mind does. It savages us and we flee as if from the beast in the movie "Cloverfield", which is fear itself personified.
I miss you my friend. Baseball is almost here and I believe the Lakers are really back it seems!
We gotta have hearrt...all we really need is heart...
Love ya.

2:48 PM  

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