I have been thinking about how to plot the days I have now been single. It has been over 8 and 1/2 years. If I divide that by 365 days that comes up to roughly 3,102 days that God has deemed it unnecessary for me to find someone to share my life with. Granted, I have not been proactive about searching for that special someone for sure. There are many reasons for this, not the least of which is that the idea of actually BEING in a relationship is the most repulsive concept imaginable. Interesting dilema here. My life is utterly empty due to a lack of love and yet when I actually think about the prospect of such a possiblity I want to throw up.
I'm not sure if it is the fact that of the miniscule opportunities for intimacy that have come my way, each one was more agonizing, more grotesque, more monstrous than the one before it. Why I would pine in any way shape or form for something different than that is a mystery to me. Relationships have been nothing short of the biggest waste of my life. Even the moments when I thought someone cared and there may have been a shimmering light of something lasting, I always knew at the core that there could be the possiblity of abandonment. Ladies and gentleman, I do not DO abandonment, and nothing any of you can say will help me to have a different perspective about it. It is something I have to come to on my own. I know that people who have a history of relationships will attempt to give advice. Save it! Only God will let me in on his little secret as to how to get out of this maze of feeling that I don't deserve love in my life.
I'm not saying that God has put this insanity into my head. Most likely it is the ego, the phantom illness, that keeps alive my hopelessness. But what if it is God that is doing it. What if God has a plan and a reason that is beyond human reason to keep me in this state of deprivation from love. Most likely it is "I" that has abandoned myself. I have never felt so completely stuck in my life at any point since I have been alive.
Here is the horror: lets say that I get that relationship. If I truly feel I don't deserve such a thing, then it won't be here when it comes. You get my point? I won't even be aware of the reality of its existence. To yearn for something that you cannot even experience when it arrives...I can think of no greater definition of hell.
But for today...3,103.
But, hey, who's counting?