Tuesday, November 01, 2005

Pain in the tooth

I had a molar extracted Friday. It was at my primary care dentist through my dental HMO. I have the very bottom tier of dental insurance which allows me to see mostly ex-gulag soviet exiles who cut their teeth, as it were, on their Siberian breatheren during the purge of Stalingrad. This particular tovarisch used modern Soviet style calisthenics and isometrics in a hearty attempt to remove my tooth. The balkanized assistant was mortified at my American red blood pouring forth from the recalcitrant stalagmite and the happy Ruskie yanked and wrenched feverishly, while no doubt working on his new novel, a disection of the ancient Bitbittrashevskyzinga circle.

After several hours harnessing extra-sensory perception and electromagnetism, he placed his foot on my chest and yelled out "Pashalsta", sweat pouring forth from his bottle neck glasses. He gave one more vigorous Tashkent tug and finally the tooth shattered into tiny caucases, shooting out at he and his comrade. Unfortunately the jaw bone (of an ass no doubt) shattered too. My gum tissue, diseased from years of underearning, was the consistency of rice paper and only a bottomless pit remained of my once healthy and ego filled trench. What now remained was a hole with two nasty bits of bone sharding inwards, protruding out like some torture chamber. I have now existed with this condition since Friday, it being Tuesday. I saw a former Soviet Polituburo member today, A Dr. Polyakov, who insisted I rinse and see him again in ten days. He could not perform the very nimble Aleovoplasty (cutting the bone, snipping in a kind of pinch) as the area was ulcerated beyond the human condition. Ambesol was his answer, and swabs of any kind, plus rinse and Ibuprofen. Hell I says', The Big "V" is my only hope right now. Tylenol/codeine surprise. Why didn't they give me that for Halloween when I was a lad? Instead of an apple, which is what I am.


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