Friday, December 02, 2005

The nasty birdy

I am sick. I have some sort of flu. It is not a flu I am familiar with. It is a birdy flu, I suspect. I have no fever, no sore throat, no swollen glands, just a total awful lack of energy combined with vomiting, severe muscle pains and neck cramps and the blahs. I have been in bed since Tuesday (now Friday). The flu is an altered state. In it, all my character defects come to the fore. I believe, with all sincerity, that I am a loser and have done nothing with my life. This is a wonderful way my disease attempts to get me to do the only thing it knows, drink. Gratitude is essential at this moment. Also, recognizing that acceptance is the way through. This is my life, this path, this trail. Have I gotten all new agey on y'all? Well, what can I say? That's what's coming out of me. It really was easier to run rough-shod over all my insecurities when I was out there. But now, without the armor of a drink, holy cow. I can really feel just about every fear and terror. I have been pantsed. Yet, I have something irreplaceable. I have a peace of mind that I can't possibly replace. Again, no amount of people, places or things can replace that.
There is a lot to do, yes. But my responsibility is to show up (suit up or shut up), and leave the rest to you know who. Stay completely out of the results and live life now. That is what I am required to do. No more. Have goals, of course. Perspective. Stay connected. My life is who I am, not what I do. What I do is an extension of this. But my HP loves me unconditionally, and that is the only thing that fills the hole. The only thing.
Damnit, I want it all still. Funny how that is.


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