Time to get some happiness in here.

As I discontinue the pattern of self-destruction in my life and move closer to self-care on a daily basis, I am met with a new conundrum: how to get happy.

For some still inexplicable reason, I feel I do not deserve to be happy, that in fact happiness is for other people not for me. I don't really understand where this idea comes from. I like being happy. I really do. I think it has something to do with being weighted down by the disappointments of my life, the losses, the tragedies impinging on my ability to simply "be". When I mean "be" I mean the being-ness of my childhood. When I was a kid I was completely involved in the moment without concern for time. As time began to laden heavily on my mind, I began to distrust the present moment. I no longer wanted to be hurt, which required a hardened shell and a cynicism that could protect me from the chaos and changes inevitable in life. I began to shut down.

There are numerous schools of thoughts about where happiness resides. Does happiness reside in my mental affirmation of my self worth? Or does it lie in a more amorphous area, the area of my higher self? Is happiness, as Victor Frankl wrote in "Man's Search for Meaning", a by-product of right action and commitment? Is it "the space in-between" where the silence is? What, in fact, is happiness?

I am beginning the journey to find out. I think it's the right time to begin opening my self to this most precious gift. As Dennis Prager says "Happiness is a responsibility". Abraham Lincoln said "People tend to be as happy as they make up their minds to be". I think happiness is different than peace of mind. I think of happiness as peace of mind mixedwith fun. I am so in love with my tears though. Can I continue to feel and experience beauty and be happy? It seems as though I might be able to experience it more the happier I become.