Saturday, December 03, 2005

A mantram

"How am I not myself today?". These are the final words that appear at the end of the credits for I heart Huckabees, an existential comedy by the very Catholic David O. Russell. What a wise film! And a throwback to a more chaotic time, when films were countercultural events. He clearly made this film for himself. I appreciated the blackness of the balance between connectivity and nadirism. The present moment, the Zen quality, was a reminder of how we will do anything not to be in our own skins. How we move back and forth from no-thought to thought. There is suffering and there is peace. But the battle we have, in our own psyches, that society versus the individual, the soul versus the collective, these are universal truths. I find myself habitually comparing myself, endlessly without fail, to others outsides. My life, as it is, is simply never enough. And yet, at very unpredictable moments, I am freed from the hideous constraints of people-pleasing, self-hatred, alienation, etc.. and just allow myself the freedom to exist, create, fail, succeed, love and be. How many of us really can do that? Even if we do, we are told that we must give to others (something they may not even want). Ultimately, we are totally responsible for our own lives. We are the architects of our divinity. My discomfort is a constant reminder of how I feel nothing but shame in being me. If I felt none of these things, I can only imagine what I could allow myself to participate in, and how I would see my world. It could be a lifetime of battling to get there. But, as I am now, I am myself today. Even though I feel like shit.


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