Sunday, December 25, 2005

When does the fear go away?

Having dealt with fear all my life (it seems to be THE big hurdle), I often now wonder when the non-useful fear will finally evaporate, or at least lessen. I say non-useful because, clearly, there is useful and non-useful states of fear. Certain fears are quite valuable, such as knowing when to run when the bad guy is after you. But other states of fear are clearly not as useful, such as when the boogie man is after you. When the bad guy is after you the state of fear that is useful is called prudence. When the boogie man is after you, that state of fear is paranoia. Paranoia is also a perplexing state that may or may not be quite real. But if the boogie man IS real (such as in the case of the Bush administration, or the visitors/Greys of Whitley Streiber) then paranoia becomes somthing quite different from prudence indeed. It becomes psychosis. This is a condition that is separate from the DSM version of psychosis, which is a product of a particular strain of mental illness. This psychosis is one brought on by actual events residing in the world, or not, and the resultant condition becomes a Post Traumatic Stress Disorder/psychosis. Just because it's not "real" doesn't mean it's not after you. To the individual who suffers this rather disconcerting situation, fear becomes a very very relative term. As is the heightened and alert state of readiness which follows calling the police on someone, even when they don't know it's you. The mind still attempts to convince you that they in fact DO know it's you and soon the door will come crashing down with numerous murderous butchers eviscerating you in your bed. Again, just because this is rather illogical doesn't mean it won't happen (see the evening news at 11:00PM every night). When most people go to bed they don't expect a 747 to come crashing into their apartment, or a meteor to land in the kitchen, but these things do happen to someone, like the lottery does.
All I'm trying to say is, when does the fear begin to subside? I have found that acting contrariwise to the fear does not seem to lessen this power much at all. I'm just acting against it, like a weight on a barbell which doesn't get lighter no matter how many times I lift it. It still is heavy. I'm still waiting for my faith muscle to get bigger. You see, the fear, no matter the form, is five million times the trauma as the event. That I know. But living with the fear is just as collosal. There must be some way.
Perhaps meditation is calling to me.


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