Monday, November 06, 2006

I give up!

I am totally defeated. I have no more left to give. I have no idea what God wants from me anymore. I am so far away from what I thought I was supposed to be that I have no recognition of my life. I don't recognize the world around me at all. Who are these people that yell and scream instead of love. What in God's name have you created? Are you even creating at all. I feel utterly and pervasively hopeless today. I just want to close the curtains forever and never come out again. I am comprehensively disgusted with my life on every single level. I am wasting every good year that I have left, stuck by my incomprhensivle paralysis. I am not clinically depressed whatsoever. I am justifiably depressed due to the overtly real and devastating consequences of my life. I am so enormously angry at God and life that it is just me and the alcohol now. Nothing in between us at the moment. Its all about me not picking up: NO MATTER WHAT.


Blogger Gram the Man said...

Come to dinner.

12:11 AM  
Blogger Michael Pascoe said...

Dear Tony,

I don’t know what to say. I too am in that same state so I don’t know how to help you get out of it. I don’t understand why every effort of mine is under minded and yet I see someone like my cousin succeed.

As far as your comment about God, He is the only one that you can count on. God is not a wish granter. As I have found out, He is not the genii from the lamp. He provides life and it’s up to all of us in this planet to make it good or bad.

That being said, I am a believer in B.F. Skinner. I feel we are not in control of our own lives. We have to interact with others. They make decisions that affect us. So even though we may want something, if the person in charge says no, then what kind of control do we have over our lives?

When I hear self help gurus like Dr. Phil spout crap like you are responsible for all the bad that happens, I want to shoot him. I mean it. Then he’ll see that he did not control that situation. Then some other smart-alec will say that Dr. Phil asked for that to happen. Of course he didn’t. If some nut does something stupid, how is the victim at fault?

You can only be responsible for you own self and hope that those that we come in contact with are receptive to us. We cannot change that. Then it becomes a Catch-22. If they could control that, then I’m not in control of me. If I control someone else, then they are not in control of themselves. It can’t happen both ways.

What’s the lesson? None. I don’t have the answers. And do you know what? Neither does anyone else. They think they are so smart by telling us things that they don’t know for certain. Fuck them!

The only thing I can do is keep on plugging. Even though I know that every effort. . . and I mean every effort, will be shot down. I cannot stand meritocracy. I helped change the political make-up in Las Vegas, but could not change the state. And with all of my efforts I get nothing but a paycheck. Now that the political season is over, so is my job.

So I write and I hope and I pray. Sometimes I feel I live my life in a vacuum. That baseball poem I sent to you, well I emailed Vin Scully, the Dodgers, and a few baseball journals. It’s as if I don’t even exist to them.

In the meanwhile, I am confident that I know where my soul will be going. I just had hoped that my time here on Earth would also have been successful. So I can go through life at least knowing that.

My main point is take care of your soul. Then at least you will have peace of mine when judgment day arrives.

10:44 AM  
Blogger Michael Pascoe said...

Again I answer your retort titled, “I give up.” Basically you express your frustration over the fact that nothing in your life goes the way you plan it. To some extent, the same is true in my life.

On the surface I may seem okay. But on a personal level, I am frustrated. It’s as if what ever I want to do gets puts off to the side. I am not talking about people per se (though they do play a vital role in my frustration) I am talking about fate.

I call it fate because I don’t want to blame God. As Harold S. Kushner puts it, God is either all powerful or all loving, but he can’t be both. This is so true.

So I vent my anger on that invisible god called fate. Fate plays a big role in my life. He torments me. When I walk one way, everyone in the world will also walk that way. Ninety-nine times out of a hundred, when ever I pull out of my drive way, a car will come. You may say, “Well, you live on a busy street.” Then how come before I pull up to the street it is clear? Then just before I make it to it, a bunch of cars arrive.

The frequency in which this happens is spooky. I once pointed this out to someone who didn’t believe me. And sure enough, after driving with me for an entire day, she saw what I was talking about.

On this last job, I had to drive around going door to door dropping of literature for local Democrat candidates. I have a partner with me. When she would get back into the car, I look at the map to see where to go next, put the car in gear, and you guessed it. . . a car pulls out in front of me.

Another weird thing would occur during this time. As I would double park to let my partner off, someone will either want to pull out, pull in, or want to turn into the house next to me. A few days ago, I looked into my rearview mirror and saw a car coming towards. I thought he would go around. Instead he just stopped. I thought I was in his way, so I pulled over. But he didn’t move. He let out his girl friend and left. Of all the times for this to happened, bam. . . just as I was in the middle of the street.

This may seem minuscule. So does a fly. However, when it bothers you over and over again, it drives you crazy. But the coupe de grace comes when I try to do anything to improve my stature. I get jobs I don’t like. However, I cannot get jobs that take advantage of my talents. Every time I think this time things will be different, fate enters and belches in my lap.

I’m talking about bazaar occurrences. Things that can’t happen in a million years, except it repeats every time. One time when I first got here, I auditioned for the Riviera to perform magic. They loved me. I even got on the news. However, when the time came to hire me, things got screwy. They told me to go to Personal. I go to Personal. They told me to go back to the person doing the hiring. They send me back to Personal. They do that thing that Personal does. I think, any day now I will start to work. Hold on. More jacking around. This continues until the next thing I know, I am not working.

The following year I audition again. I asked them if they remembered me. They say, “Oh, yeah. We remember you.” But, once again, they don’t hire me.

This kind of thing continued. I auditioned for the show at the MGM called Ka. (It’s the sound cat’s make when they try to get rid of a fur ball) They wanted ushers that can do improve comedy. I knocked them dead. They sent a few of us that they hired to Human Resources. We were interviewed. Then I was sent to get a drug test.

I wanted to find out when I was to start. I know that the day of the show is due to open, so I get nervous. I hear nothing. I call up the MGM, but they don’t know who I need to talk to. So I called the company that did the drug test. They don’t know anything either. So I called back the MGM. After days of this, I finally get a hold of someone associated with the show. They said that I was not working on the show and they could not tell me why.

Other times I would audition for people and they tell me how great I am. Then after a few days, they change their mind. Not only that, but they don’t want to talk to me again. This happened when I auditioned for the dinner show based on the television show the Soprano’s. I put on the Jersey accent real think. They told me I should be getting a call on Thursday. Thursday comes and of course. . . bada bing. I get whacked.

The piece de resistance occurred just recently. Part one happened about a few months ago. I answered an ad for a ghost writer. I met the woman that wanted a novel and a screenplay written based on her life story. We connected, everything seem to go well. She even cried over something I wrote.

Then. . . nothing, nada, zilch. I heard nothing. We contacted by email, then they stopped. I try calling her, but she never answered. It’s as if she vanished from the face of the earth.

Then just today it was Ground Hog Day all over again. I had contacted the manager for comedian George Wallace by the name of LaDore. She told me that George was going to do a showcase and was looking for performers. She told me to call her in November. So today I got a hold of her and guess what? You guess it. She said that George cancelled the show. After an awkward pause, we hung up the phone.

If I put in an application for McDonald’s tomorrow, I bet I get it. But if I want to do what I want, not only will I get turned down, but it will be done in such a manner that seems odd. It’s old man fate fucking with me.

Now that I just completed my first novel, do I expect it to be published? Of course I do. And I will go along with the same Pollyanna attitude only to get disappointed. Why do I do this to myself?

So, there you have it. Someone who’s life is more pitiful than yours.

Hope it makes you feel better.

1:24 AM  
Blogger Tony Forkush said...

Gram: Yes, I would love a din din with the family. Have R call me when you return from Zona, I guess.

Michael: I'm better today after benzodiazipine curatives.

7:28 AM  

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