I give up!
I am totally defeated. I have no more left to give. I have no idea what God wants from me anymore. I am so far away from what I thought I was supposed to be that I have no recognition of my life. I don't recognize the world around me at all. Who are these people that yell and scream instead of love. What in God's name have you created? Are you even creating at all. I feel utterly and pervasively hopeless today. I just want to close the curtains forever and never come out again. I am comprehensively disgusted with my life on every single level. I am wasting every good year that I have left, stuck by my incomprhensivle paralysis. I am not clinically depressed whatsoever. I am justifiably depressed due to the overtly real and devastating consequences of my life. I am so enormously angry at God and life that it is just me and the alcohol now. Nothing in between us at the moment. Its all about me not picking up: NO MATTER WHAT.