Tuesday, December 19, 2006

I can't remember my last kiss.

It struck me this morning, "I can't remember my last kiss". I kiss my cat every morning. Actually, I kiss all three of them. Constantly. But I cannot remember the last real kiss I had with someone I cared about. I'll take it a step further. I can't remember the last time someone rubbed my back in bed. I have no memory at all of the last walk on the beach I had with someone. I don't have any recollection whatsoever about the last time I held hands with someone. Something so basic that the beatles became famous for it. This is not for lack of trying. I have definitely attempted to invite someone into my life to do this with me. But, alas, the participant declined, for reasons which still elude me.

During the holiday season, when so many have so few, I find that the circle of miasma, the self pitying part of me that loves to indulge itself, has come to town in full force this year. I am noticing the family photos much more readily. I find myself more unable to be around families and couples this year. Thankfully, I have my AA family. What in God's name would I do without them. I really have come to accept that AA is my family. Many people will not understand this truth. That's okay. I have a family that I go to once a day, bare my soul to the fullest, and "keep coming back". The rooms of AA have given me my life. I owe so much more than I even know to the program.

As far as a person to share it with. That is really in God's time, not mine. But I'm still here, waiting for that first kiss again. The one I can't quite remember.


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