Tranquil(ized) birthday

Today I turn 46. I have been on this planet for 46 earthly turns around the sun. As I sit here meditating about the present, I am strangely magnetized to the past. My past still beckons to me, albeit with very long fingers and sharp nails. What does a 46 year old man feel like, I wonder? When do I begin to feel that "man" feeling, as opposed to the ten year old that still want his mommy? It is a strange birthday feeling.

I am trying to be grateful for my life. Uh oh! Maybe that's not such a good idea. If I follow the "New Paradigm", there is a strong suggestion that in "trying" to be grateful I essentially echo the sentiments of my ungrateful condition. This magnetically "attracts" the ungrateful circumstances that my life continues to attract, including ungrateful thoughts. So I need to change the vernacular to "I am immensely grateful for my life today". To say these words is one thing, to mean them is altogether different.

And what about the difference between being tranquil and being tranquilized? Today, on this my 46th birthday, I am shuttling between both states. I am tranquil due to my new found spiritual connection with my Sadguru Sri Sathya Sai Baba, and I am tranquilized due to 2mg's a day of Lorazapam. The tranquility allows me to love and forgive, the tranquilizer allows me to function in society at large. As a sober person, the use of "outside sources" is a private matter between me and my sponsor. This temporary condition allows me to take care of myself as long as I am forthcoming and open about it. The disease of the ism is ever deviant however. It is always looking for an in. But I would like to report that on this day, the day of my 46th birthday, I am unashamed of my sat-chit-ananda (being/consciousness/bliss) and my medically assisted/big book approved mama's little helper.

Namaste