Wednesday, September 26, 2007

A Bronx cheer for our Bums.



As another Dodger season meanders down the flush hole, let's all say a big cheer and thank you to the boys in blue who stunk up the joint from foul pole to foul pole. Where does one even begin? How about with the dividend destroying signing of a wretched and gnarled pitcher. Jason Schmidt pitched all of six games for the Bums, his three year $47 Million dollar deal as aromatic as an Armenian fart. Or how about the remarkably pathetic Nomar Garciaparra and his arterial blockage of first base, while a potent and endowed James Loney withered on the vine in Vegas. Or, p'raps the ankle spinning Rafael Furcal (you like the double entendre?), who made shortstop look like a position reserved for the Special Olympics. One could go on and on, hey I've got plenty of time. But it's time to get to...our man Grady.

Has there ever been a moron of this stature in the major leagues before? I'm not talking about the fans of LA (oops), I'm talkin bout this hillbilly cotton pickin varmint who made a mockery of the game of baseball in front of 3.8 million of the happiest go'lucky people on the planet who came to Dodgerland for the Dodger Dogs and the Wave (no doubt learned on 94.7 FM). Straight outta Casting (hey, is that a rap song?), Grady was hired to be the perfect animatronic manager. That certainly explains why he was anchored all season long draped over the dugout "protective" railing. That clearly was his power source, which obviously short circuited his hampster wheel pea brain. A book could be written, albeit a picture book, showcasing his now infamous managerial blunders. His alcoholic wet brain slopping enzymes down into his automatonish behemoth special hat sized head. There is a control room in there somewhere. Mad magazine couldn't have written this.

And how bout Ned Colletti and his merry band of gashouse guys. Let's all cheer Esteban Loaiza (uncle Estaban), Mark Hendrickson, Brett Tomko, David Wells (okay, effective at sea level), Shea Hillenbrand, and the call up of one thousand kids to further cramp a divided and racially impure dugout, right Mr. Kent?

I'd like to tip my hat to the women of the organization. Thank you Kim Ng, you dragon lady you, for making sure that Jeff Kent got his 550 hits thus vesting his $9 Million dollar option for '08, just keep those cards and numbers coming. And Camille "back off Bob Harvey" Johnston for supporting her wunderling Josh "I'd rather be singing" Rawitch. Oh and let's not forget our lady in waiting, Mrs. Jamie "Hadassah" McCourt and her paisley seats. Kenny Lofton and Juan Pierre would like to thank her personally, in her boudoir that is.

But most of all, I would like to thank an Irish drunk from Boston, Mr. Frank McCourt. God bless you and sure and be'gorah. You managed to take and take and take from wee little people of LA LA. and turn it all back into lucky charms for you and your family. The product you oversaw in '07 will never be forgotten, and truly will never be matched for embarrassment and ineptitude. Your parking lot dreams now realized, you have turned your attention over to the "concourse", where bathrooms and kitchens co-mingle to create the ultimate shitty experience for the fans. Gold dabloons, flush em. God forbid you should take the time to learn the fucking game pal!

Congratulations Dodgers on turning 50 in LA, and to Tommy for turning 80. "I don't get heart attacks I give 'em". I think its time you gave one to this team on life support.

6 Comments:

Blogger Michael Pascoe said...

What can I say about your assessment of ‘dose bums? You said it all. But, I don’t think you should be so hard on the players so much as management itself. ‘Dey stink! From the top to the bottom. I think there is a Boston conspiracy going on here. Think about it: Who owns the Dodgers? Someone from Boston. Who manages the team? A former manager from Boston. Who sabotage L.A. from getting Kevin Garnett? A team from Boston. See the pattern? I do. Something’s rotten and it’s not from Demark.
There is a conspiracy against L.A. teams. Let’s hope I am wrong. Does Anaheim count as an L.A. team? I think so, but with the Ducks and hopefully the Angels, it seems like they are not part of the conspiracy. (Unless Michael Eisner is some how involved. Now I really have blown a head gasket.)
All of this seems farfetched, I know. But after the referee scandal in the NBA, I’m willing to believe anything. In the 21st century, what is up is down, and what is down is. . . well, you know. I don’t know what is right or wrong anymore. Unless I check with CNN, or Fox, or MSNBC, I don’t have clue on what I’m supposed to do. Hey, my opinions don’t matter. What cable news opinion is, is the way I’m suppose think.
So let’s wake up in the morning, turn on the boob tube, and let’s find out what the mantra for today is. We mindless lemmings will follow them right into the abyss if asked. Forget rooting for your team. You are supposed to root for the team they want.
But, I will have to admit that it will be a good playoff year for baseball. I just wish that our Dodgers were a part of it.

8:51 AM  
Blogger DNDeMattia said...

I choose not to root!

The state I left (Texas) built a new stadium for the Cry-baby Rangers and now the Cry-baby Twins just had a ground breaking ceremony for their new state subsidized stadium. Did I mention that you can see the collapsed bridge from the Metrodome? Well, you can't actually see it being collapsed and all. But you get the point. I do not like Government subsidised professional sports!

So, anywho.....what's new with you Tony (& Michael)?

8:35 PM  
Blogger Michael Pascoe said...

I agree about government subsidizing sports team. That’s what makes the Dodgers unique. The O’Malley’s build that stadium with their own money. That was their only business. It was sold by the son who now wants it back. Currently it’s run by faceless people that do not care about the team or the city. What next? A new stadium built with public funds? I hope not.

8:39 AM  
Blogger Tony Forkush said...

Oh my god! David! Wow! This must be the first time all three of us have been together since that fateful photo of 1977 on our way to Disneyland. I actually still feel that age. Is that weird? I thought you are supposed to feel your actual age, you know. When I was a kid I thought all adults actually FELT adult. But NOOOO, I still feel fifteen or sixteen years old. What gives?
It's so wonderful to hear from you. We are all alive! Well, some of us more than others.
Please, write me and post here on my crazy blog.
Much love David and Michael!

10:44 PM  
Blogger Michael Pascoe said...

David says that he doesn't have your updated email address. That's why he hasn't written you personally

5:15 PM  
Blogger DNDeMattia said...

I feel 16 but look like the old troll that lives under the bridge!We had one more year together after the Disneyland picture before I was whisked away.
Tony - go to www.sleepingdragonstudios.com, click on EMAIL US and send me a message so I have your new email address.

BOO!

P.S.
NO TAX SUBSIDISED SPORTS STADIUMS!

8:59 AM  

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