Friday, September 23, 2005

Friday from hell

Hey Nick. I am writing you from the library. It is fourth period, the library service period in which I get a small break from the insanity that is the Special Ed room I work in. I am having a really difficult day. It's on the verge of being terrible. The reality is that the teacher is absent. This is the second consecutive Friday he has not been here. I believe he has decided to take longer weekends and has chosen to do so because Friday's are beyond belief. However, the impact his absence makes on the room and the day is undeniable. Everything suffers and responsibilities are shifted massively onto us. He has already made the decision to dole out HIS teaching responsibilities to the aides anyway (his job!) and when he is not in you cannot imagine the pandemonium and chaos. This is a fact. This is not my alcoholism. The truth is that I am totally overwhelmed by these days. Having to deal with his assistant and her control issues as she attemts to dominate the room (really her right as she has been there forever).  Plus the fact that the kids just become the lord of the flies. The substitute teacher sits in the backroom (WITH THE DOOR CLOSED MIND YOU) and reads his book or newspaper, smiling a smile of total inanity as he dares anyone to ask him "what the fuck are you doing? How the fuck do you get away with this, just sitting there doing nothing and feeling virtually no sense of responsibility to these students or your fucking job, you prig).

So the classroom aide takes over and decides, unilaterally, to take away the movie rights of the kids fifth and sixth period, which is OUR RESTING PERIOD AT THE END OF THE WEEK! So, instead of a calm fifth or sixth period I have now been given the responsibility of running the class doing more Dickens readings. Unfucking bearable!

I cannot tell you the effect that days like this have on my serenity, my sobriety (especially on Fridays, WITH A BIG CHECK IN THE MAIL ARRIVING TOMORROW) and my general sense that my life is in a place that I cannot stand! I am so goddamn angry about this day I can't stand it! I am praying sporadically and trying to detach but I can't because I have to be here. I am praying to god for some form of acceptance but all I feel is resentment at everyone, particularly my colleagues and friends who do not have to get up at five-frickin-AM in the manana and deal with things that not a single one of my friends could possibly do. And that's a fact man! I am having a very difficult time dealing with this. I am finding that I no longer really choose to talk to these people who don't have to do what I do, have casual time or leisure time for some reason I can't comprehend, goddamn trust fund fuckers! THIS IS NOT THE WAY I CHOOSE TO LIVE MY LIFE! THIS IS NOT THE WAY I PICTURED IT!

When days like this happen, when I get to Friday and shit goes down when I'm whipped tired and beat, I lose gratitude as fast as you can say jack rabbit. The truth is, however, that I have not acted out inappropriately, am behaving professionally, haven't fucked anything up but want to BURN SOME SHIT! This is reality combined with alcoholism tempered by the program. This too shall pass. I know it and just have to hold on. I haven't been this dizzy since my relapse.

I must not forget to breathe. I have God and the program. This is Friday. Tomorrow is another day. We will be tested and there will be tribulation. But "Be of good courage" he says. "Be of good cheer".

I'll talk to you later.

Tony

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