Friday, December 30, 2005

My friend Mark's New Years resolution

To All My Online Friends:
> As the new year approaches, my heartfelt
> appreciation goes out to all of
> you who have taken the time and trouble to send me
> "forwards" over the
> past 12 months. Thank you for making me feel safe,
> secure, blessed,
> and wealthy.
> Extra thanks to whoever sent me the one about rat
> crap in the glue on
> envelopes 'cause I now have to go get a wet towel
> every time I need to
> seal an envelope.
> Also, I scrub the top of every can I open for the
> same reason.
> Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca Cola
> because it can
> remove toilet stains.
> I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr Pepper since the
> people who make these
> products are atheists who refuse to put "Under
> God" on their cans.
> I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because
> it causes cancer.
> I no longer check the coin return on pay phones
> because I could be
> pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.
> I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even
> though I smell like a
> water buffalo on a hot day.
> I no longer go to shopping malls because someone
> might drug me with a
> perfume sample and rob me.
> I no longer receive packages from nor send packages
> by UPS or FedEx
> since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise.
> I no longer answer the phone because someone will
> ask me to dial a
> number for which I will get a phone bill with calls
> to Jamaica,
> Uganda, Singapore, and Uzbekistan.
> I no longer eat KFC because their "chickens" are
> actually horrible
> mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.
> I no longer have any sneakers -- but that will
> change once I receive
> my free replacement pair from Nike.
> I no longer have to buy expensive cookies from
> Neiman Marcus since I
> now have their recipe.
> I no longer worry about my soul because at last
> count I have 363,214
> angels looking out for me.
> Thanks to you, I have learned that God only answers
> my prayers if I
> forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a
> wish within five
> minutes.
> I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a
> sick girl who is
> about to die in the hospital (for the 1,387,258th
> time)
> I no longer have any money at all - but that will
> change once I
> receive the $15,000 that Microsoft and AOL are
> sending me for
> participating in their special email program.
> Yes, I want to thank you so much for looking out
> for me that I will
> now return the favor!
> If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000
> people in the next
> 7minutes, a large pigeon with a wicked case of
> diarrhea will land on
> your head at 5:00 PM (PST) this afternoon. I know
> this will occur
> because it actually happened to a friend of my
> next-door neighbor's
> ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's
> beautician.


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