Tuesday, June 13, 2006

Okay, I miss it.

I miss acting. Or do I? I feel like I miss acting. But I don't really miss it. But I do. I feel like something is missing from me for not acting. But then when I consider acting again I don't want to. I miss the idea of acting. I miss what acting represents to my larger goals of being someone worthwhile. If I am merely useful as opposed to succesful then I have abnegated my right to like myself (You get the irony here friends?).

Here's what I'm tryin to say. If I'm not acting then who am I? If I'm not making money above and beyond the call of duty the who am I? If I am not in a relationship or marriage then who am I? I have definied myself for so long by the prospect of what I'm supposed to be that to simply be is neglected. The entire procedure of my egoic mind is to continue making an identity out of the should be. That's the ism at it's finest.

When I write a play it's not enough to simply write the play. I need to consider all of the implications of what the play should be to others. I'm not even allowed to write the play. You get this drift? However, when I write this blog I have very few considerations of what you think of this (probably because nobody's reading it). But nobody is reading my play either. But they might. That's the fear. They really might. And what strange fallacy I hold about the nature of drama. I enjoy my plays. I would like to write more. But I cannot deal with the massive stream of intensely energetic negativity that my mind enforces. It won't let me write. By that I mean it won't let me be.

Of course that's not it's job. It's doing it's job by attempting to stop me from leaving it behind and moving into my larger self. It can't let go because it can't live without time. The larger me is the only me that is real but the entire job of the egoic mind is to stop me from entering into that relationship at all costs. The bottom line is that I have built a hugely false identity out of my acting/playwrite self, primarily because of my fear of what others will say of me in person. I haven't spent the same amount of time developing a blog personality that is equal to this.

The key is to bust any false identity and to experience worth now, the only place where it exists. Then when I get to write or act, or pursue it again, I will do it with less grim determination and with more presence. It's the only optimum way to live, I think.


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