How do I hate thee, let me count the ways.
In Harville Hendrix's depressing book "How to get the Love you Want", he suggests that most of his clients who found something that they thought made them happy, quit therapy. His position is that in order to confront one's real problems in life, one needs to remain miserable, or at least discontented enough to be "sick and tired of being sick and tired". This has a kind of sense to it. How many times have I seen people leave the step groups when they found the "love of their life" or got some kind of ideal job. If that is the case, I must be some kind of role model as far as he is concerned.
Today just happens to be a day in which every person, place or thing feels absolutely and unuterrably intolerable. The worst of all is the ten minute drive to work that feels like five and half hours. From the moment I hit the front gate at Hollywood High, I just wanted to put a mask on over my head, or at least a bag, the unknown commedian would approve no doubt. I have opted out of smiling, or even half gesturing a curl of the upper lip, responding to people with a perfunctory nod and aura of stay as far away from me as humanly possible. There are just two days left to this school year, far and away the most wretched of my life.
Anhedonia is defined as the inability to give and receive pleasure, or at the least to FEEL pleasure. Each day I wake up and glump my way to a job that has virtually nothing to do with what I feel I am here to be doing, I close down a little more. My friendliness declines a little more each day and I begin to move inward, away from humanity and away from God. After all, he is the one who keeps me in this frozen mire right. He can change things in a country minute, cause he's God. He simply chooses not to up to this point, at least in a way that is "reasonable" according to my principles. (It is not helping that a Holocaust video is playing behind me in class, further dampening my waining faith). It does strike me that I may be mildly depressed. Okay, maybe a little more than mildly. It also doesn't help that people are so shrouded by their own narcissism that they could care less about how anyone else but their most immediate peeps are feeling, the rest be damned.
Maybe the most hideous thought of all is the knowledge that even if I had a job doing what I supposedly loved, and the right relationship, money, disposable wealth, etc...NONE of it would make me happy. No wonder people clutch madly for religion or spirituality. At least the hope that there is meaning in our absurd life fills a void. Today, the void seems unfillable.
It certainly doesn't help that I am dealing with a tooth that just doesn't seem to want to calm down. I had a cavity filled last week on a molar (something about molars and despair). It started hurting badly which predicated I seek the counsel of an Endo. He X-Rayed and found no absess. He is treating me with Prednisone, a steroidal anti-inflammatory which may or may not be working. It may be making me psychotic though.
Heck, I could go on and on in this petty pace, till the last syllable of recorded time. The truth is that I find most people disgraceful and dreadful cowards. Whether this is a symptom of a chronic human position or some new decline in our humanity is yet to be determined. The bottom line is I don't feel safe out here anymore. I do have a solution that may work:
Ban public schools.
And get me the hell out of here.