Wednesday, June 25, 2008

How do I hate thee, let me count the ways.

In Harville Hendrix's depressing book "How to get the Love you Want", he suggests that most of his clients who found something that they thought made them happy, quit therapy. His position is that in order to confront one's real problems in life, one needs to remain miserable, or at least discontented enough to be "sick and tired of being sick and tired". This has a kind of sense to it. How many times have I seen people leave the step groups when they found the "love of their life" or got some kind of ideal job. If that is the case, I must be some kind of role model as far as he is concerned.

Today just happens to be a day in which every person, place or thing feels absolutely and unuterrably intolerable. The worst of all is the ten minute drive to work that feels like five and half hours. From the moment I hit the front gate at Hollywood High, I just wanted to put a mask on over my head, or at least a bag, the unknown commedian would approve no doubt. I have opted out of smiling, or even half gesturing a curl of the upper lip, responding to people with a perfunctory nod and aura of stay as far away from me as humanly possible. There are just two days left to this school year, far and away the most wretched of my life.

Anhedonia is defined as the inability to give and receive pleasure, or at the least to FEEL pleasure. Each day I wake up and glump my way to a job that has virtually nothing to do with what I feel I am here to be doing, I close down a little more. My friendliness declines a little more each day and I begin to move inward, away from humanity and away from God. After all, he is the one who keeps me in this frozen mire right. He can change things in a country minute, cause he's God. He simply chooses not to up to this point, at least in a way that is "reasonable" according to my principles. (It is not helping that a Holocaust video is playing behind me in class, further dampening my waining faith). It does strike me that I may be mildly depressed. Okay, maybe a little more than mildly. It also doesn't help that people are so shrouded by their own narcissism that they could care less about how anyone else but their most immediate peeps are feeling, the rest be damned.

Maybe the most hideous thought of all is the knowledge that even if I had a job doing what I supposedly loved, and the right relationship, money, disposable wealth, etc...NONE of it would make me happy. No wonder people clutch madly for religion or spirituality. At least the hope that there is meaning in our absurd life fills a void. Today, the void seems unfillable.

It certainly doesn't help that I am dealing with a tooth that just doesn't seem to want to calm down. I had a cavity filled last week on a molar (something about molars and despair). It started hurting badly which predicated I seek the counsel of an Endo. He X-Rayed and found no absess. He is treating me with Prednisone, a steroidal anti-inflammatory which may or may not be working. It may be making me psychotic though.

Heck, I could go on and on in this petty pace, till the last syllable of recorded time. The truth is that I find most people disgraceful and dreadful cowards. Whether this is a symptom of a chronic human position or some new decline in our humanity is yet to be determined. The bottom line is I don't feel safe out here anymore. I do have a solution that may work:

Ban public schools.

And get me the hell out of here.


Blogger marakima said...

What are you eating? My depression lifted considerably when I started eating mostly raw foods. Got into it from randomly seeing the book "Spiritual Nutrition and the Rainbow Diet" by Gabriel Cousens mentioned in a magazine (about 15 years ago) and then seeking it out... I'm actually extremely quack-wary, but I cannot deny that this has made a profound difference in my life.

9:42 AM  
Blogger Tony Forkush said...

Thank you Marakima,

I am a compulsive food addict and find it very difficult to choose the "healthy" alternative. It is a massive struggle for me. I will check into that book you mentioned.

Do I know you? I noticed several Marakimas on Google. Have we met? How did you come upon the blog?

Thanks for your words of wisdom.


10:54 AM  
Blogger Michael Pascoe said...

Tony, I know what you mean. For some odd reason I feel depressed today. No reason, nothing different than yesterday, but I feel depressed. I wonder why God gives me gifts but do not give the resources to use those gifts? Is employment necessary to use those gifts? Many may so no, but if you are not employed where you are most happy, then you’ll be depressed no matter how many free shows you do.

As life goes on, I am losing more and more faith in man. They are ugly and cruel. And yet, I think there is humanity in them. At least some. I think we have lost our way and emphasize material wealth. Not you or I because we are not greedy sons o’ bitches. I’m talking about those that make more than God, then can’t share that wealth with their fellow human beings. Welfare? Hell no! I’m talking about keeping your prices lower, don’t take over our mom’s and pop’s stores, well. . . just leave us alone. Sell your goods and leave us be.

Life was better when we were younger watching Hobo Kelly. Do you remember the theme song? I’m sure you do:
H-O-B-O K-E-Double L-Y
Hobo Kelly, sure and be-gor-ah 'tis I!
Come on along to Hobo Junction
Where fun happens ev'ry minute
It's a mythical, magical kind of place.

I think marakima has hit the mark. When I eat healthy, my mind set is better. Only, I can’t afford to eat healthy because produce prices have gone up because of: tomatoes with salmonella, spinach with salmonella, the over production of corn for ethanol, the floods in the Midwest reducing crop production, the price of gas going up thus raising the price of food. . . the list goes on. It’s a Catch 22.

What’s the answer Tony? Don’t know. I just hope that we get out of this funk as a nation and get back to living. Everyone all together: H-O-B-O K-E Double L-Y (fadeout to music)

12:04 PM  
Blogger Tony Forkush said...

What a great entry Michael. It does seem like there may be post Democratic Primary letdown as well. Now the real race is about to begin. I think that we are so connected to distraction in this world that when the distractions end we just can't stand it.

I won't go on and on about it all. I'm looking forward to Friday and Saturday though. Strunz and Farah are playing at Catalina Jazz Club, directly across the street from Hollywood High. That will definitely be a most pleasant distraction.
Not as good as a blow job though.

1:56 PM  
Blogger Michael Pascoe said...

Sounds like fun. Not the blow job. Like you said, there is nothing like that. Nice work if you can get it. Say hello to Jorge for me.

2:20 PM  
Blogger marakima said...

Hey, I'm just an anonymous blog responder. I realize that you, Tony, are not anonymous, and so if it bugs you that I don't put my name out there, I would understand, and I'll refrain from posting if you prefer. I'm not a very famous person (well, most of us are known by some people for something, I guess), but I once talked to a newspaper reporter about a personal issue, and now whenever my name is searched, there it is. The interview was in the late 90s, before I was very web conscious, and it has made me shy about my ID.

On to nutrition... is there any more annoying subject? I apologize in advance. Someone (me, in this case) even gently suggesting advice can seem smug, but I was taken by the darkness of your original post, and I do know that for me, cleaning up the diet helped my mood much more than any pill ever did, especially in conjunction with exercise.

It can be cheap, too: my dinner tonight was approximately 1/2 pound of organic hard red wheat berries, soaked and slightly sprouted (about 40 cents), one bunch of green onions (39 cents), a couple of tomatoes (50 cents), and a tablespoon of fancy olive oil (I'd guess about 15 cents). Plus some salt, less than a penny: total cost, $1.45. It helps that I live near a Korean-owned green grocer, but I'd bet that you could find similar deals in most neighborhoods. Good luck if you'd like to give it a try; it can be so worth it to give up a moment's indulgence in return for a day of feeling good.

8:26 PM  
Blogger JamieB. said...

Amen, Marikima. Healthy food does not take much time, it's usually much cheaper (definitely cheaper than processed food) and it always tastes really fresh and good. As my grandpa said "If it's green, eat it."

12:09 AM  
Blogger Michael Pascoe said...

Here in Vegas produce costs more and usually wilted and unappealling. I'm someone that loves vegies so it pains me to make sacrifices because of the high prices here.

12:44 AM  
Blogger Tony Forkush said...

After my anxiety attack of last night that mandated I call 911, at which point I greeted the approaching amabulance with a wave and a smile, I realized that Darocet is not my friend.
Great comments from all. Sorry, Marakima, if any bawdy quibbles offend, but my blog is the one place where censorship is not allowed. Please keep posting, whoever you are, and whatever gender or species.
I did consume a "green" drink for dinner with some tomato soup, inspired by the new health commentary here, then chased it down with more pain killers. It is possible that the pain killers might counteract the goodness of the organic matter, but I am very wimpy when it comes to physical pain whatsoever. Kind of funny cause I am an emotional pain junkie.
Marakima, how did you come upon the blog?

8:09 AM  
Blogger Tony Forkush said...

Correction...DarVocet...not Darocet.

8:10 AM  
Blogger marakima said...

Heard you on a Jack Vees, record, wondered what else you might have done/were doing, searched... found the blog.

7:32 PM  
Blogger JamieB. said...

Knowing your diet, you could turn your life around simply by making it a goal to not eat processed foods (just a goal) You wouldn't even have to do anything - you could eat all you want. Your name IS Fork, after all.

7:51 PM  
Blogger Tony Forkush said...

Are you a friend of Jack's? A student at Yale? Are you Jack himself masquerading as a lovely young stalker?

The piece was "Rocket Baby", and yeah, I recently listened to it after lo these many moons. It is a pretty interesting creation. Jack is a really gifted, visionary cat.

Why can't I link to your profile?

10:20 PM  
Blogger marakima said...

No, I'm not Jack! Nor his friend nor student. The CD was given to me by a composer friend, who may or may not know him; I haven't asked.

I guess I have no profile for linking, and don't plan on crating one.

12:20 PM  
Blogger JamieB. said...

The Dodgers are pummeling the Giants and revealing the true weakness of San Francisco - they can't throw the ball and lack in fundamentals.

3:54 PM  

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