Thursday, April 21, 2005

My friend Mark's living will

> 1. If I should remain in a persistent vegetative
> state for more than fifteen
> years, I would like someone to turn off the TV.
> 2. If I remain motionless for an extended period and
> utter only guttural,
> meaningless sounds, I would like a Guggenheim.
> 3. If I am unable to recognize or interact with
> friends or family members, I
> still expect gifts.
> 4. If I am unable to feed, clean, or dress myself, I
> would like to be
> referred to as “Mr. Trump.”
> 5. Do not resuscitate me before noon.
> 6. If I do not respond to pinches, pinpricks, rubber
> mallets, or other
> medical stimuli, please stop laughing.
> 7. If I no longer respond to loved ones’ attempts at
> communication, ask them
> about our last car trip.
> 8. Once I am allowed to die a painless and peaceful
> death, I would like my
> organs donated to whoever can catch them.
> 9. If my death is particularly dramatic, I would
> like to be played by Hilary
> Swank, for a slam dunk.
> 10. If there is any family dispute over my medical
> condition, it must be
> settled with a dreidel.
> 11. Even if I remain in a persistent vegetative
> state for more than fifteen
> years, that still doesn’t mean bangs.
> 12. If my doctor pronounces me brain-dead, I would
> like to see the new
> Ashton Kutcher movie.
> 13. If I remain unconscious during a painful,
> lingering illness, I would
> like the following life lessons to be published in a
> book entitled “Tuesdays
> with Me”:
> i. Treasure every moment.
> ii. Love everyone.
> iii. If you bought this in hardcover, you’re an
> idiot.
> 14. I do not wish to be kept alive by any machine
> that has a “Popcorn”
> setting.
> 15. I would like to die at home, surrounded by my
> attorneys.
> 16. If my loved ones insist that the cost of my
> medical care has become an
> impossible burden, show them a Polaroid of their
> “beach shack.”
> 17. In lieu of flowers or donations, I would prefer
> rioting.
> 18. I would like my entire estate to become the
> property of my cat, Fluffy,
> who said, “He wouldn’t want to live like this, with
> that zit.”
> 19. Assume that, even in a coma, I can still hear
> discussions about my
> apartment.
> 20. If there is any talk of canonizing me, please
> remember that I have often
> held the elevator for people who were still getting
> their mail, that I have
> twice offered a cab to a woman in a fur coat even
> though I was totally there
> first, and that I always waited to make derogatory
> comments until after the
> couple with the double stroller was a block away.
> 21. In the event of an open coffin, I would like
> smoky evening eyes.
> 22. At my memorial service, I would like my
> clergyman to begin his eulogy
> with the words “I suppose, in a way, we all killed
> him.”


Blogger CatcherOfTheLie said...

Uttar shameless plagiarizing. This piece is by Paul Rudnick and was published in April 25 issue of The New Yorker. Even a reference to Paul Rudnick’s name in item 13 has been deliberately removed. Please remove the article or at least quote to correct source.

1:43 PM  

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