Clinical Depression and Self Sabotage
So some things became very clear after my latest slip. I indeed am an alcoholic, no question. However, I think I have underrated the extent of devastation that Clinical Depression can affect in a life. I have definitely been minimizing the nature of my own depression. The current medication works quite well, but I need to keep exploring the various possibilities of a treatment. And I need to really be kind to myself. I mean, Tom Cruise, of all people, has no sympathy for me or my kind. But, I'm sure that there are a number of folks who can relate very much to this. Those that get uptight, I suspect, might be frightened by their own potential for such a malady. Think Virginia Wolf, Anne Sexton. It is no less than a cancer to the soul and one of the hardest most unimaginable things to have to deal with on a daily basis.
Self Sabotage is one of my oldest companions. I often wonder if it's always been there, or if it raised its ugly head around the time of my first drink. My life has been an endless merry-go-round of building a life while having the absolute certainty that it will all be taken away from me. I think the whole wipe out the sandcastle aspect of this is very revealing to see. I actually have no idea what causes it. Is it also a product of depression. I'm not so sure. I do see that as I have gotten closer to my dream for my life, happiness and joy, I have panicked and knocked down the house of cards. I have put far too much of my life into the hands of other people and their ideas. I have been overwhelmingly susceptible to letting other people dictate the course of my life. Only I can do that. I really need help. I feel like a leaf in the wind right now. Extremely vulnerable, terribly fragile, and also very close to letting go of my preconceived notions of reality.