Friday, December 30, 2005

Mark's God Survey

DEAR CUSTOMERS;

> God would like to thank you for your belief and
> patronage. In order to better
> serve your needs, He asks that you take a few
> moments
> to answer the following
> questions. Please keep in mind that your responses
> will be kept completely confidential, and that you
> need not disclose your name or address unless you
> prefer a direct response to comments or suggestions.
>
> 1. How did you find out about God?
> ___ Newspaper
> ___ Bible
> ___ Torah
> ___ Book of Mormon
> ___ Koran
> ___ Other Book
> ___ Television
> ___ Divine Inspiration
> ___ Word of mouth
> ___ Dead Sea scrolls
> ___ My mama done tol' me
> ___ Near Death Experience
> ___ Near-life experience
> ___ National Public Radio
> ___ Tabloid
> ___ Burning Shrubbery
> ___ Who?
> ___ Other (please specify): _____________
>
> 2. Which model God did you acquire?
> ___ Yahweh
> ___ Jehovah
> ___ Allah
> ___ Just plain God
> ___ Krishna
> ___ Father, Son & Holy Ghost (Trinity Pak)
> ___ Zeus and entourage (Olympus Pak)
> ___ Odin and entourage (Valhalla Pak)
> ___ Gaia/Mother Earth/Mother Nature
> ___ None of the above; I was taken in by a false
> god
>
> 3. Did your God come to you undamaged, with all
> parts in good working order
> and with no obvious breakage or missing attributes?
> __ Yes
> __ No
> If no, please describe the problems you initially
> encountered here. Please
> indicate all that apply:
> ___ Not eternal
> ___ Not omniscient
> ___ Not omnipotent
> ___ Finite in space/Does not occupy or inhabit
> the
> entire universe
> ___ Permits sex outside of marriage
> ___ Prohibits sex outside of marriage
> ___ Makes mistakes (Geraldo Rivera, Jesse Helms)
> ___ When beseeched, doesn't stay beseeched
> ___ Requires burnt offerings
> ___ Requires virgin sacrifices
> ___ Plays dice with the universe
>
> 4. What factors were relevant in your decision
> to
> acquire a God?
> Please check all that apply.
> ___ Indoctrinated by parents
> ___ Needed a reason to live
> ___ Indoctrinated by society
> ___ Needed target for rage
> ___ Imaginary friend grew up
> ___ Hate to think for self
> ___ Wanted to meet girls/boys
> ___ Needed blind moral righteousness to justify
> violence
> ___ Fear of death
> ___ To piss off parents
> ___ Needed a day away from work
> ___ Enjoy organ music
> ___ Needed to feel morally superior
> ___ Graduated from the tooth fairy
> ___ My shrubbery caught fire and told me to do it
>
> 5. Are you currently using any other source of
> inspiration in addition to God? Please check all
> that
> apply.
> __ Self-help books
> __ Tarot, Astrology
> __ Star Trek re-runs
> __ Fortune cookies
> __ Ann Landers
> __ Psychic Friends Network
> __ Dianetics
> __ Playboy and/or Playgirl
> __ Sex, Drugs, and Rock & Roll
> __ Chicken Soup for something-or-other
> __ Biorhythms
> __ EST
> __ Television
> __ Mantras
> __ Jimmy Swaggart
> __ Crystals (not including Crystal Gayle)
> __ Human Sacrifice
> __ Wandering around in desert
> __ Burning shrubbery
> __ Other:_____________________
>
> 6. Have you ever worshiped a false God?
> ___ No
> ___Yes
> If Yes, by which false God were you fooled?
> (Please check all that apply.)
> ___ Odin
> ___ Cthulhu
> ___ Lottery
> ___ Baal
> ___ Beelzebub
> ___ The Almighty Dollar
> ___ The Conservative Right
> ___ Mick Jagger
> ___ Bill Gates
> ___ The Great Pumpkin
> ___ Ronald Reagan
> ___ A burning cabbage
> ___ Mushrooms
> ___ Other: ________________
>
> 7. God employs a limited degree of Divine
> Intervention to preserve the balanced level of felt
> presence and blind faith. Which would you prefer?
> (please circle one)
> a. More Divine Intervention
> b. Less Divine Intervention
> c. Current level of Divine Intervention is just
> right>
> d. Don't know - what's Divine Intervention?
>
> 8. God also attempts to maintain a balanced
> level
> of disasters and miracles.
> Please rate on a scale of 1 to 5 God's handling of
> the following: (1 unsatisfactory, 5 excellent)
>
> Disaster:
> 1 2 3 4 5 flood
> 1 2 3 4 5 famine
> 1 2 3 4 5 earthquake
> 1 2 3 4 5 war
> 1 2 3 4 5 pestilence
> 1 2 3 4 5 plague
> 1 2 3 4 5 AOL
> 1 2 3 4 5 Republican Congress
> 1 2 3 4 5 Jerry Lewis
> 1 2 3 4 5 Dubya
> 1 2 3 4 5 my last relationship
>
> Miracles:
> 1 2 3 4 5 rescues
> 1 2 3 4 5 spontaneous remissions
> 1 2 3 4 5 crying statues
> 1 2 3 4 5 water changing to wine
> 1 2 3 4 5 walking on water
> 1 2 3 4 5 stars hovering over towns
> 1 2 3 4 5 AOL
> 1 2 3 4 5 VCRs that set their own clocks
> 1 2 3 4 5 clear and competent statements by the
> President
> 1 2 3 4 5 my present relationship
>
> 9. Please rate the following on a scale of 1 to
> 5
> (1 unsatisfactory, 5 excellent):
> 1 2 3 4 5 God's Courtesy
> 1 2 3 4 5 answers to your prayers
> 1 2 3 4 5 Are your spiritual needs being met?
> 1 2 3 4 5 How are your shrubs doing?
>
> 10. Do you have any additional comments or
> suggestions for improving the quality of God's
> services? (Attach additional sheets if necessary.)

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