Friday, March 24, 2006

What now?

I'm running out of things to say the way I've been writing. Actually, I have alot to say, but I am feeling self concious about them. I mean, who is really reading this stuff anyway. All my old memory banks are starting to tell me why bother. Isn't that creepy. It's all the old stuff from my past still haunting me. All my relatives are probably reading this and thinking of calling me to offer some form of consolation or pity. I don't need any more pity, I pity myself enough thank you. I have the right to write this stuff, I believe. If it alientates anyone that is their problem. What this is really revealing is the nature of my fear to actually exist and speak my truth. My fear still focuses on other peoples responses to my being an imperfect, non-robotic being. I would simply refer people to the John Cassavettes gem "Faces". In a scene near the end, after the suicide attempt by Lynn Carlin, Seymour Cassell talks about how mechanical he feels and does a very funny take on being a robot. It is one of the truest moments I have ever enountered on screen, or in any artistic forum at all. Here's what my head tells me: "You want people to leave and abandon you, then be who you really are". What garbage! What a load of crap! It's just more of the same trauma and lies that the fear keeps perpetuating on me to keep me invested in this prison of shame and self loathing. The truth is that the more revealed I am to who I am the more loving people will enter my life. The people I can trust and feel nurtured and protected and held, the way I never was as a child by parents who were incapable of providing that as they did not understand it in themselves. AA tells us to tell the truth, except in instances where it may end up hurting someone. I think that has to have a very big caveat. If exposing who I am to the world ends up hurting someone then, I'm sorry, but that disqualifies the adage. I am on the cusp of something absolutely extraordinary, unbelievable that has implications for my life beyond anything that I have ever imagined. The wrestling with myself is almost over. Unconditional acceptance of myself is here now. I need simply to keep feeling my feelings, talking about them, and being an active protector and parent of my inner child. This is radical for anyone to do.

3 Comments:

Blogger Michael Pascoe said...

God created perfection. It was man that said that it was not.

3:11 PM  
Blogger Jeff said...

What about my Jehoahaz gag on March 1? It was a 'gag'! Get it? Gastroenteritis? Aw, crap, my talents are lost here.

The murder of Landru was a violation of all the UFP held dear. If we cease to maintain our principles, then why bother?

Oh, my...

8:59 PM  
Blogger Jeff said...

Okay, the smart-alecky Star Trek-cum-Biblical-disemboweling stuff is just getting me ignored. So...

Ever carry a cup of hot coffee that is full to the rim? If you don't pay attention, you dump it all over yourself. Alternately, if you walk real slow and focus all your attention on it, you dump it all over yourself. There is this zone where you really aren't doing either, and you never spill it. That is what living life is like.

~ Java Jeff

7:53 AM  

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