RE: MEA CULPA

I went to the Arlington Group of Alcoholics Anonymous last night. One of the oldest meetings in Los Angeles. My new "tough guy" sponsor picked me up and took me there. I ran into my friend Patrick M, one of the most intelligent people I have ever met, who had a relapse after five years three weeks ago, ran over two people in a blackout and ended up in Twin Towers where he was looking at a year or more. They let him out for lack of evidence, his head is shaved, he has three weeks. I look into his eyes and I see my own. The eyes of "I'm not REALLY an Alcoholic though". The eyes that purvey the ultimate disorder of denial, the prime directive of the ism. My new "tough guy" sponsor has told me that I'm a dead man unless I give myself over completely to this program. COMPLETELY. Meetings everyday, working with others, doing the steps, AA first and only for one year minimum. I don't believe him. I want to believe him. I don't need to believe him. I need simply and honestly to make this committment to the program.....OR ELSE. Facts are facts. In my case I have to have the faith to have faith. It doesn't matter what I do at this point but only that I do it. That is the surrender right now.
I AM GOING TO DIE OF THIS DISEASE! I write these words and they appear rather dramatic. Not me, come on. Silly. Those AA'ers. They're so DRAMATIC.
Who will come to my funeral. Even these thoughts will not keep me sober. ONLY what every other alcoholic before me has done will do that. I am no different. I don't believe any of it. I still believe I will be struck sober and my career will finally take off. AA is just a stop on the way to stardom. I'm a fucking dead man.
I don't know shit because my disease blocks me from knowing. That's why we need each other. I'm saying these things but the disease laughs at them and is searching for the next time to attack. It blacks me out, literally, from knowing what is happening.
Vigilance and willingness to do whatever is necessary is the only solution today. All I have is today. I want to live some more Rebecca. I want to experience what I see is possible. I want, so desperately, for the disease to not take my body before my soul can get to me. I need help!
The art is that part of my soul that will be rewarded after the surrender. But the surrender must happen. The only alternative is the unthinkable.
I love you,
Tony

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