Friday, June 16, 2006

Have I lost my nerve, or what?

I no longer jump on an opportunity. This is new. My ego sees this as being the getting up late bird who missed the worm and went back to sleep. The man of action, so aptly referred to by Dostoevsky in Notes From Underground, has been up much much earlier than I. He not only got the worm, but the girl, the job, the car, the house, the backyard and the two car garage. I, slacker that I am, get nothing. Ironic comment that. By getting nothing, of course, I'm getting God as God is nothing. I mean that in the most reductive of ways of course.

I had an idea yesterday. A good one actually. Get my own comedic sports-talk radio show. I even got the program director of a nationally renowned company to call me back. Unfortunately as soon as the idea became a potential reality it became a bad idea just as quickly. I wonder what that's about. I never had that problem before. Certainly not after a drink. After a drink I could swing with the best of them, BS with the King and Queens and still take a boat home to Dover. I was a Bon Vivant before they invented it. When did these wussification happen? How did I get some wormy and mouselike about life? Why have I stopped pouncing?

The answer seems to have something to do with my life versus my life situation. There is my life and then there is my situation. My life is who I am. My life situation is what is happening at this moment. When I compare my life with my life situation I perceive that only one of them is actually real. My life situation is temporary, even though it is right now. My life is eternal and unchanging. It is the actual me that cannot be touched by the problems of the world. It is the me that is part of something larger. Of course my Ego is laughing at this train of thought calling it pontification. It tells me that no one from the LA Weekly is reading your blog and to give it up. What a funny friend the Ego is. Funny Funny.

Truth be told, what my Ego tells me is fear and a loss of nerve may just be prudence and self care. What my Ego calls lack of risk taking may just be me finally settling into a life that works for me. My Ego is only interested in what have you done for me lately. My life is about making sure that God is served. Will making the call to the Program Director about something I would like to do affect the deeper core of who I am. Truth be told, I have no idea what that would bring. But I know that if I make the choice or not it is not a reflection of who I am at the core.


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