Monday, January 16, 2006

Get outta my way!

That is the solution now isn't it? The more I get out of my own way, the more I can allow the light to shine forth from within. This is no easy feat. My will precedes me. As my dear friend Jimmy G. says, his addict is up a good half-hour before him, writing, drinking coffee and smoking cigarettes saying "hey man, look at this", as he shows him his addicts written musings. If I don't hit my knees immediately, or connect upon waking, I'm already in big trouble. Everything I think seems like a good idea. I'm already out the door and I haven't even put on my slippers. That's why I have to connect to my higher powerand do the first three steps pronto. And I must continue to do this during the day as well. My head will always tell me the "if onlys". If only I had this career, or that girlfriend, or this toy, well "then" I would be happy. And believe me, it can get confusing. I mean, what about my career, and a relationship and a new thing? Isn't it okay to desire them. As Allan Watts says "how can you desire not to desire?". It's a paradox, like so much of this deal. And is it okay to no longer want the same things you thought you wanted. A newcomer said to me recently that she was terrified to turn it over because what in God's name (ha ha) will happen if I no longer want it? I understand this fear. I could only tell her that maybe I never really wanted it in the first place. Maybe it was an ego trip all along. Or that I want it but it's now something I want to "do", rather than desperately "have". But maybe I'm not doing it now for a reason, like getting sober, or taking care of myself. I mean "really" taking care of myself. Maybe I'm supposed to help others, in a different way. If the only thing we are supposed to do is pray to our higher power for his will for us and the power to carry it out, well maybe where I am right now "is" that. The ego gets pretty freaked at these concepts. It feeds on fake power anyway. Our higher self feeds on true power, authentic power. Light power.
So, while I wait for the phone to ring for the next person, place or thing to come my way, I try to get the hell out of my own way and let the light shine through.


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