Friday, March 18, 2005

I cna't bearthe!!!!!

Money deposited. Acknowledged! Mind moving too fast. Too many images of pain and death and shame. It is my fault! It is my fault!f I am the architect of my own life. What have I done? What is wrong with ME? The landlord. He hates me. Has always hated me for my being such a shameful failure. I can't be late. It's a reflection of all the bad things I've done. How has this happened. Too little love from 6 months to four years. Holy Christ. I am so afraid. In the words of Tarkovsky "God, please take this animal fear from me". Paralysis. What can I spend my two cents on and what can't I. Something must suffer. I haven't made the change. Such a shame. Such a terrible, terrible shame. Where is the hope and the salvation and the grace? Right now. Right now. Right now. God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference. please, help me.

Wednesday, March 16, 2005


The fraying wires of the social. I'm at Hollywood High School, aiding and abetting with intercession. This is the off-track/half days where we "teach" the emotionally disturbed adolescents who show up to try and get their grades up. The idea that we are teaching anything is absurd. However, I have come to understand that the only thing left to us to teach, and maybe it has always been this way, is to touch the soul of one student each day. That is my goal. If I can do that then maybe it will have made all the difference. The encroachment of evil is at all levels of life. it writhes and slithers it's way into each small crevice and corner. It grabs the good and vomits out the already dead. But I still can see a dim light in these kids eyes. I can still see the hope for hope that comes to light with an act of kindness. Perhaps that is my fear of conflict that I am permissive, perhaps it is my ideal hope that this works. I am conflicted. I know that I have a "tolerance" addiction. I sense that I am paralysed by fear of standing up to the bad. I know how to be the "nice" guy. But god forbid if I really need to stop someone who is in the commission of an evil act. I don't know what I would do. Even more subtle, is the need to stop a simple evil act, such as a discourtesy. I can pray. I can pray for the strength to do the right thing. It reminds me of the time I was at Dodger Stadium and some youths were bothering some elderly people in front of them. My friend, Steve Abee, said something to them, for them to stop. They did. I just sat there, frozen in my fear. I hate that part of me. I want to be able to have more courage to say something to human beings who need to be reminded and, at times, simply stopped. It is a weakness and a choice to preserve my human body from the ultimate retribution of pain. It is a bad choice and it needs to be changed. I pray that i can change it. But that it does not come from narcissim or selfishness.