Wednesday, November 22, 2006

A single step

Each step I take towards myself sets the wheels in motion to take steps to God. By helping another I help the world and others who I have never met. On the level of the quantum field, kind and affirmative thoughts effect the overall well being of the planet. By throwing my hat into the ring as far as moving towards my desires, I further the good of man. By touching the depth of my soul, I help the human condition and free the imprisoned a little more each time. These may be imperceptible changes but they are significant. By not judging my fellow man, I open up the pathways to healing and love. By quieting myself, I return to my perfect state of compassion, joy and universal bliss. By focusing my attention on my inner life, I open the universe to the outer reaches of the galaxy. When I open up the bridge to the outer reaches of the galaxy, I unlock the mystery of who I am. When I unlock who I am, I change the fundamental nature of my reality and lay the groundwork for a new paradigm shift. This shift is nothing less than the next step in the evolution of humanity and allows us to move closer to the ultimate reality. The ultimate reality is unknowable and cannot be referenced, however I AM. When I have returned to this home I release the ego and understand there is no separation from anyone or anything. I experience the awe of nature and God and the unshakeable peace that comes from turning it over. Letting Go is the bridge. God is the home.

Tuesday, November 21, 2006

Financial terror

As I continue to grow in spirit, the old realities continue to get further and further behind. When they say that the road becomes narrower, they were not kidding. The Big Book equates Fear with stealing, an apt simile. However, I find that the longer I stay sober the more enormous and ravenous my ego gets, in certain areas of my life. As far as finances are concerned, there is really no greater fear that I know of in any arena of my life. Financial fear hits me in ways that are so fundamentally primary that I really can't say I understand its nature at all. But the truth is that the my fear seems rather independent of my financial reality. It is suffused with a dread of dying, alone mind you, when even the possibility of my resources drying up come into my mind. I can't tell you how many times I have wanted to pay my bills with a grip of death, simply daring the poor individual who collects the money to take it from me, especially over the phone by check. I feel a certain kind of shame about paying my way. I'm not allowed to take care of myself, see, and when I do the ism makes damn sure that it reminds me of every kind of conceivable disaster after doing so. My faith is so incredibly limited in this area, so unbelievably contracted, that only a higher power can possibly save me from myself.

So what does my HP do today? Well, I found out that I was only getting half an unemployment payment, rather the the full two weeks. The truth is that I should not be getting it at all if it weren't for my petitioning the state. But, am I grateful for this? Hell no. I want what I want and I want it now (King Baby with an inferiority complex). Everyone has to serve a one week waiting period and I am no exception. But I just can't stop believing that I'm different, that I'm the one who is the problem and the cause and if I were just what people wanted me to be, what God wanted me to be, then I wouldn't have the problems I have.

Faith takes a vacation right away when this old, habitual thinking kicks in. It is a self perpetuating form of masochism. I was on the phone with the nice lady and we got disconnected. But she didn't hang up on me. It was a god disconnect. And that was just what I needed to remember the gratitude of his caring for me. And to continue, no matter how constipated I am, to surrender.

The nature of mind and reality

It appears as if we are on the cusp of a paradigm shift (with apologies to the long lost Harmonic Convergence). I remember being in Santa Fe, New Mexico on the day the Convergence was set to happen. I had a massive anxiety attack because, well..., I'm not really sure why. I was totally convinced that an external event of cataclysmic intensity was going to make us disappear pronto, sort of like Locke and Ecko when the hatch turned white. Oh, and let's not forget Desmond. He turned the key to make the place implode, or saved it from itself.

It's easy to say that the Convergence never happened (was it in 1987? 1992?). But it is also just as appropriate to say that the consciousness that I am experiencing now, the big shift, is an extension of the idea of the Convergence, or the Convergence itself. Time is irrelevant when it comes to universal consciousness, so twenty years later is a blink of the eye in eternity.

Has anyone ever talked at length about what they feel happened, or continues to happen, from the Harmonic Convergence. There are a great many signs that the event did, in fact, occur. But, like the world of quanta, it has occurred in each of us uniquely, managed by the One and stands collectively until perceived by the observer where it pops back into the one space. ("When two or more are gathered in my name"). Which leads me to several books I'm reading, all leading into the One Note.

"A Course in Miracles", perhaps the densest, most beautiful tome of spiritual psychology yet written, is virtually impenetrable and needs to be read piecemeal in the bathtub. But what it says is nothing short of the second coming of Christ. A radical reinterpretation of biblical prophecy, written by the son himself from "the sonship". It portrays a world of absolute light that is erroneously covered up by the Ego mind which claims that it itself is the true one. The words ring way down deep into a place of transcendental reality, a shimmering beacon of the heavenly realms. The book was "channeled" by Dr. Helen Shucman, along with her colleague William Thetford, back in the late sixties when they were both in the Psychological Medicine department at Columbia University. Dr. Shucman began having symbolic dreams and imagery. An atheist, she was deeply disconcerted by these visions. However, Mr. Thetford told her to follow what it was suggesting. The information, which came in her own voice silently, stated "This is a Course in Miracles. Take dictation". And we now have a seminal work for human evolution, if you can get through it. Take your time.

"The Power of your subconscious Mind" by Dr. Joseph Murphy, sounds sort of like a 1950's Atomic Science Fiction novel, where being "mesmeric" in front of a hypno-wheel on a blue screen background jump out at you. But don't let this Eisenhoweresque title prejudice you. This is a work of staggering truth and incredibly radical philosophy. It is indeed a Science of Mind adjunct and makes a great companion to Emmett Fox's "The Sermon on the Mount". The upshot of all of this is pretty much the same concept that "What the Bleep do we know" espouses: namely, we literally create our own reality. The world is an outpicturing of our internal condition and the specificity of our belief in what we desire. The key is to begin its application, and that is not so easy. I know, for my part, that altering the self-comforting negative thoughts is sort of like picking scabs. It just feels bad, uncomfortable. But I assure you, when you begin receiving results instantly you begin to take note. I have already had two significant miracles happen as soon as I read it. I plan on taking this quite seriously from now on.

These are two wonderful companions on my life-long journey back to the self that I left behind before the dysfunction split off and caused me to carry my own faulty paradigm. My involvement is deeply critical in bringing out the very best in my humanity and carrying it on to others. I am deeply grateful for this.

Happy Thanksgiving my friends, brothers and sisters.


Monday, November 06, 2006

I give up!

I am totally defeated. I have no more left to give. I have no idea what God wants from me anymore. I am so far away from what I thought I was supposed to be that I have no recognition of my life. I don't recognize the world around me at all. Who are these people that yell and scream instead of love. What in God's name have you created? Are you even creating at all. I feel utterly and pervasively hopeless today. I just want to close the curtains forever and never come out again. I am comprehensively disgusted with my life on every single level. I am wasting every good year that I have left, stuck by my incomprhensivle paralysis. I am not clinically depressed whatsoever. I am justifiably depressed due to the overtly real and devastating consequences of my life. I am so enormously angry at God and life that it is just me and the alcohol now. Nothing in between us at the moment. Its all about me not picking up: NO MATTER WHAT.