Thursday, June 30, 2005

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Today is the last day of the traditional school year. There are virtually no students here at all. Hollywood High minus students is one of the most serene and quietous environs in the city. I have a four day vacation, which will be quite busy actually, and then transfer to C-Track to begin a year long assignment one-to-one with a mentally challenged junior. Change is in the air again. This is the third track change I have had in a years time. Everytime one begins a new gig, there are so many things to consider. Most of the concerns have to do with interaction with people. I worked almost four years with my last student who was a severely handicapped little person with the disposition of a bull. He absolutely hated me. Still does. This new student seems quite nice. I have seen him in adapted PE class last year. He doesn't appear strong headed at all. But I have some concerns about the teacher. An older gentlemen who seems very fastidious and anal, He has already tweeked my assignment. I now have to come in approximately forty five minutes to an hour later than normal. While this may at first glance appear positive, it may create serious problems with parking. Hollywood High closes it's gates at 8:00AM. By that hour there is almost no parking anyway. I have no idea how that situation will be resolved, but I'm sure it will somehow. I then have to assist the student off campus, across the street and wait for the MTA bus to pick him up. I am not paid for overtime. I need to figure out exactly how long that will take and adjust this somehow with my arrival time. Now, I know this all sounds mundane, but believe me, it is not. The administrators are not helpful about this and they are just telling me to make it work. Which, I'm sure it will. But I need to put everything into an "I need to know" file. Trust? God no. That would be terrible. I have to confess, any situation which may cause possible friction is terrifying to me. I mean, if there is any possibility that a circumstance could arrise where, God forbid, you may not like me, well then that would be it. I mean, really now! The bottom line is that you must like me under every nook and cranny. I am trying to figure that one out. A litte "coda" issue going on here? A little "Al-anon" stuff? Yes. But I know that with time and effort, I will begin to think less of what you think of me and more of what God and I think of each other. As they say "What you think of me is not my business, it's between God and myself". Much more easier said than done. Wish me luck.

Thursday, June 23, 2005

small injury to testicle sack and pending cortizone injection in heel

Last night I sustained a mild yet bloody injury to my testicle chamber. It was during the final innings of the Dodgers tumultous win over the San Diego Padres. I was in my bathroom applying salves and lotions and arrived at the alcohol/wintergreen podiatric portion of the evening. While seated on the toilet seat I noticed a copious amount of blood on my hands, from whence I did not know. As I stood up I felt a stinging sensation in the sacral testicular fold and realized I had punctured the epidermas. The blood flowed freely and I was unable to staunch the injury. What had happened, I thought, cleaning blood up from the floor and toilet area. I surmised that during a particularly stressful moment of the game, I had captured the lower portion of the gonadal umbrella between the top lid of the toilet and the circular commode top. The pain and agony were instant. It took approximately thirty to forty minutes of alternating hot and cold compresses, paper towels with green alcohol and stuffing toilet paper down my jockeys, that finally the bleeding ceased. I became slightly dizzy, ominously concerned with the possiblity of an ER visit with mockery and censure from the aged nurses and young doctors. This was unthinkable. I am fine at the moment with only a mild twinge in the location.

On a more immediate note, in several hours I will have a cortizone injection into the heel of my left foot to counteract the symptoms of Planters Fasciatis, a severe inflammation of the ligaments in the foot, which has been ongoing for months now. I am frightened at a level of defecation. I have heard that these are rather painful procedures with ponderously massive syringes and that the medicine itself is incendiary upon puncture to the affected area. The pain then subsides rather immediately and a curative is sustained. I will report on this site tomorrow the results of this tortuous seemingly barbarous shot.
Pray for me. I will pray for me too.

Wednesday, June 22, 2005

What women dig in a man

diminutive stature,
poorly muscled,
penis minimus,
bloated gut,
absolute lack of confidence,
always thinks he's right,
whining self pity,
needs someone to take care of him,
can't take care of himself,
sweet and nice man with genteel features,
revulsion to female smells and orifices,
confusion during sex,
enervating sexual passivity,
perpetual fear in the eyes,
Mama's boy but Daddy's bitch,
sober pop drinker,
small hands and feet with doubled chin,
imploded micro-phallice,
continual impotence and wounded sexual terror,
denuded patriarchal aptitude,
general decrepitude,
perpetual bachelor sized apartment,
tries way too hard to get it hard,
overwhelming gift giver with premature ejaculatory syndrome,
miniature testicles with inverted sack producing thimbleful of seminal fluid,
unclear negotiation of female erogenous zones,
occasional high pitched blurts,
odiferous snoring,
virtually no idea of his purpose in life,
passionless "live for tomorrow not today" attitude,
slow-poke driver in economy vehicle,
fumbling inept kisser,
a strong sense of not providing for himself and others,
living in the past,
fear- Forget Everything And Run,
cream cheese ass with hairy patches.

Science of Mind versus the Twelve Steps

The success of the Science of Mind influenced film "What the bleep do we know" illustrates our profound hunger to find a God of our own understanding, a God close to us not separate, and for a meaningful and lasting relationship to our place in the universe. Quantum Physics and Science of Mind have a unique relationship, a shared paradigm which has at the center a profound recognition of the power of choice, that we create our own reality, literally.

For many of us in the recovery field, the Twelve Steps of Alcoholics Anonymous have served as a powerful model for our lives. The concept of personal powerlessness in the face of our hopeless adiction have had a life changing effect, giving us a reprieve from our compulsive behavior and a new and powerful sense of peace and serenity which many of us could never have imagined possible.

However, there are two concepts that those of us in recovery may find at odds with Science of Mind. That is in the application of the terms "control" and "powerlessness". In Science of Mind, we are encouraged to control our thoughts and thinking, to conciously "out-picture" how we want our lives to be and alternately to stop the habitual way we think of limitation and lack. We are taught that if we really want to achieve a world of our imaginings we must conciously choose the products of our mind and "control" them. "Watch our thoughts" becomes our credo.

In Recovery, we are asked to do the exact opposite. By turning over control to a Higher Power, especially our thinking, we are relieved of our obsession to drink or drug. Our individual will is brought into alignment with our Higher Power's will for us. We accept the things we cannot change, have courage to change the things we can, and gain widsom to know the difference. We must get out of the way. We surrender all control to God, as we understand him, and are granted a new personality, healed of our compuslive behavior and old ideas. We see that what we have is far better than any individual idea of what our life should be. We are asked to "suit up and show up", have faith and surrender.

But many of us who practice both Science of Mind and are in Recovery wonder about that "Courage to Change " part of the serenity prayer. We often confuse creative decision making, controlling our thoughts, and setting intentions, mutually exclusive with the idea of surrendering to a Higher Power. It appears passive to us. From a recovery perspective it almost feels like a blashphemy, "self-will run riot". From a Science of Mind point of view, not watching our thoughts perpetuates the stuck cycle of unconcious thinking.

the truth, however, is that any differences are illusory. They are a product of our Ego attempting to "Edge God Out". Our Higher Power, our God, wants us to co-create with him. He wants us to experience our highest self and realizes our dreams and wishes are the same as his. To control means to pay attention to both the positive and negative self-talk of the Ego and ask for the right thought or action, humbly reminding ourselves throughout our day "thy will be done". I'm no longer running the show. I, of course, being our Ego.

Science of Mind and the Twelve Steps of Recovery both offer us a great vision for our lives. Both are deeply compatable in bringing us to a new awareness of life's possibilities. It is no surprise that Bill Wilson, Alcoholics Anononymous' co-founder, was profoundly influenced by Emmet Fox's marvelous Science of Mind book "The Sermon On The Mount".

Wednesday, June 08, 2005

A little bit existentialist, a little bit recovery.

As I alternate between two very different schools of thought, I am torn today whether I should be writing an existentialist tome about the tragic fate of man to be concious of his own ludicrousness, or to follow my spritual journey and share what I continue to learn from a recovery perspective. Today I choose: Love.
A truth I know.
When I choose fear about my finances (or anything else for that matter), rather than faith, I immediately leave God and serenity by leaving the present moment, thus leaving love. The present moment is all there is. When I leave it, I can only choose to go into the world of the Ego which, as we know, is unreal, but will do whatever it can to try and control the situation, not solve it.
By attempting to control the situation, the ego leaves the world of reality. In this insane state, I am not aware of what is actually true and I lose all connection to gratitude (the awareness of my God given abundance). I see my life as having total lack and future disaster. I may have a multitude of "things" but none of the real stuff of life-happiness, God's presence, prosperity and joy. In this state of mind, my perception can only perceive all things as half empty. No amount of material wealth (people, places or things) can fill the perception of my empty bank accounts (or stomach, or genitals, or brain), or the terror of losing that which I think I possess, no matter how "full" they may "actually" be.
Perception is the reality of my attitude and my choice to be fully present. In a surrendered place, I am granted a bountiful, abundant world where every material, emotional and spiritual need is god given and revealed. I need only "accept" the gift by opening my inner eyes, getting out of my own way, and receiving God's will for my life. I need only ask that this be given me and it will.
This means acceptance of each and every situation I face as being exactly the way it is supposed to be at this moment, crushing the Ego's "rights" to rule. Wealth becomes a God-filled state of mind, unshakeable in its absolute knowlege that all is well, my needs cannot possibly be NOT met, they have always been met, and a thousand times ten. This is the definition of the miraculous.
In the real state the universe will "squeal in delight" as Deepak Chopra has said and riches unimagined will be bestowed on all things. In this place, what seems like the impossible is normal. And you have only to count the wealth. One's eyes open up and poverty vanishes right now.
Submission to the present moment, God's will for me and recognition of the ego and fear. I am led back to my guiltless state of total beingness, forever abundant and filled to the brim with the only reality,